It’s been a while since I wrote you a letter since I went on blog-slash-journal-and-writing-stuffs-fast. I’m just wondering, do you know how hard it is to wait for something uncertain?
You see, I had this crush at school way back before. If you’re there by my side at those times, it might be a pain for you to watch how I’m head over heels to this particular guy. You might actually cringe because I even write him poems since I can’t tell NOR show some hint of my feelings for him. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how hard it is to be a girl and you can’t tell a guy that you’re crushing on him? Did you ever feel that way?
You wouldn’t mind that I’m crushing on somebody, would you?
You know sometimes, I really think that you’re so good to be true; that these letters I wrote is somehow addressed only to the cool breeze and warm sunshine and not to an actual person. I don’t even know if you’re real, but, I have faith–faith to the Author of my life and love story. I’m always hanging on to the good things and experiences my Dad would give me here on earth. Right Dad? I’m sure you reserved someone for me. *crossed-fingers*
Going back. This crush of mine is the crush of everyone else. Plus point for ‘reasonable’. Somebody once said, I seemed to like the same qualities on a guy just like everyone else’s at least for the Looks Department–the guy-next-door type. Well, yeah, sort of. If we were to base on the physical appearance–I’ll go for someone very neatly groomed, has a nice nose, fresh breath and clean teeth and just the right amount of X factor. I’m not very particular with the skin tone, although, I notice guys who got light shaded tone more. These are the type of guys who won’t even knew I ever existed. HAHA. Yeah, so I got a crush on this guy for his looks.
Second, the way he acts when his around me. You know, girls when they have crushes, they think a bunch of signs, meanings and wonders on a single action done by their guy crushes? Even a simple candy wrapper from the crush can mean so much than just it being a “candy wrapper.” So you, as a guy, try to be careful on those things okay? What you do to a girl can mean another thing for her, you better keep guard.
Third, we became friends. And when you’re friends, that’s a whole lot of another level, another set of boundaries. I saw his other side that made me had a crush on him a little bit more. I’ve been uncrushing him, for what, two years already and I never perfected it yet. You know, I still wait on him; hoping he had felt even the slightest of what I’d felt until now and you bet, I’m stuck on ‘never’ for an answer. Ha! After fate set in and we had to part roads to take, he seemed to have changed. Or I expected too much on him staying the same way as I wanted. Oh man! And just this day, he texted. After a month! Goodness! He always texted once a week before; then all of a sudden–a God-given prayer of mine too–there’s silence and I hanged on my patience.
He’s a close friend and I shouldn’t act this way, should I? Plus, it’s a petty crush. Or is it not? Although I always knew that he is not ‘the one’ for me
and I bet, he always knew that too, I still gave myself much hurt on relying on my false hopes. Ha! It’s just that, sometimes, I don’t want to let him go because he made me feel that I’m kinda…beautiful. Every time I’m with him, his presence makes me feel beautiful. He believed in me. Okay, I’m stopping.
I know I’m starting to sound so foolish but that’s how I’m feeling. I never…sometimes, I led myself to a pity party–because I’m not as smart or pretty as all the other girls are. You know, sometimes my insecurities made me feel like there would never be a ‘someone’ who’s gonna admire me for who I am. Like, I always have to be somebody else; like, I have to double my efforts for others to notice me. And that very same thing is not what I wanted to do. But, thank God He’s always there to catch me each and every nth time I fall because of my insecurity baggages! I need Him. He is someone who always stays by my side. I think, I need to go seriously back to His arms of grace. Man, why do I always run away from Him when He’s gonna help me deal with these issues with myself…and my concerns when it comes to boys?
I’m writing this to you because I wanted to tell you, I wanted to show you a part of my imperfection. I’m flawed. It’s only by God’s grace that I could make peace with myself. My personality and relationship with my Dad is something I NEED to strengthen for me to be free from these bondages I’m giving to myself.
And now, it sounded like I wrote not a letter but a diary entry. Haha. Anyways if you happen to read this, pray for me, alright?
Tis one of those days when I wanted to see you already.
When will I ever?
Working out some flaws and hoping you’d still want to meet me soon,
I actually wrote this earlier this November on my journal. I just posted it a bit late here on the blog
just in case, you my dear GB is a blog-reader dude.
I’m doing fine now. Still struggling at certain times but I’m fine. :) good night you, cheers!