Growing up. Mr. Webster defines it as a verb, an action word, which means to grow toward or arrive at full stature or physical or mental maturity. I, on the other, see this as an event of twist and turns, ups and downs, acceptance and rejection, fear and courage, doubt and faith.
You see, life is but a hard road to travel. It is so hard that it could just caught you off guard and knock you out of your balance. The path will never be easy but I believe that’s where the beauty lies. We go through its courses that sharpens our perspective, understanding, character and attitude. These courses often require us to embrace change, to embrace growth from and within ourselves. But this, however, is my dilemma at twenty years old.
I can’t process, I can’t grasp this whole idea of growing up, although I know it’s gonna be beautiful. It’s not that I can’t, really, it’s more of I just don’t want to yet. I really don’t want it just yet. Not now.
When I graduated college (which was a year and nine days now, to be exact), I didn’t have concrete to-do plans but I still have Plans: find a course-related job in the corporate world, be excellent at it, and earn as much as I can for myself and my family while doing it. That’s the Plan. That’s my Plan. I never thought of seeing myself doing anything else, just that.
Then came one day and my Plan was set aside and was kept in its box. I was surprised to be on this other journey than the ones I’ve set my mind on to. I was suddenly working for a non-profit faith-based organization. At first, I don’t really understand what are these people trying to do and why are they doing it at all. But as I sojourn with them, I realized that my dreams before were quite shallow–all I think about is myself and what I want (nothing’s wrong with that) but you see, life in this earth is more than just me or you. We are here to serve others, to be the light and salt in the darkness. Anywhere we are, we have opportunities to do that, we just need to spot where it is exactly and we aren’t suppose to neglect that opportunity. And so, after almost a year, I’m learning from them, I’m learning what and why the Big Guy wants me there.
Being in that sort of a real world makes you see and discover something else within yourself–fear starts to creep in, nerves were just out of place, doubts scatter everywhere. And this, I know, is a part of this growing up cycle: stepping out of your boundaries. However this scares the crap out of me.
Faith, my faith, is on the other side of the coin. I ain’t a kid (baby Christian as they call it) anymore, therefore, it’s just about the right time to take full responsibility when it comes to my relationship with my Father. I am to bear fruit. I am to be transformed. No more playing around. I think and feel that I am such a disappointment to the Big Guy on this part. I don’t know, I don’t do things the way I should. It’s like I don’t want to go through the transition of being a baby to someone taking responsibility. I don’t want to step out my comfort zone. But when I don’t, I know I won’t grow. Growing up needs you to break your barriers, your safe nets, you need to move forward and make Him proud.
Growing up. It’s still of a big word for me. A big word which means responsibility. Especially with the kind of person that I am – I am most terrified in making a mistake. I’m afraid of failing and disappointing the people around me. And I know that’s where I got it all wrong.
In this life, fears will come knocking at your door (but most of the time, it will just go in without permission). The feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt is just around the corner and it’s gonna be a confusing path to take. And although I can’t really comprehend this growing-up thing until now, I know for a fact that there’s Someone Greater – Someone Greater than all of my fears and doubts combined. Someone Greater who’s gonna guide me through all these chaos. Someone Greater who is called peace and stillness, the joy that’s gonna burst inside of you if you let it. Someone Greater who is never ever gonna leave and will be by your side, holding your hands. Someone Greater who’ll give you ways to fly. Someone Greater who you can call hope, a weapon you can truly depend on to.
Time will come when things are gonna be better and everything will make sense after the drought. Always remember (dear self) that failures and mistakes are all included in the package called Life.
See what I mean? Haha! :P