Out from the Overflow

On September, you wrote a letter
Something about Love and Distance; your favorite line from a song
I’ve searched what I wrote mine on that same month
The closest date next to yours
But I can’t find it anymore

If those letters were for me
I’ll thank the mailman for tracking me down at the old street of a fifteen year old house
If those letters were for me
The same letters you sent last January and two years back
I’d gladly take it to the heart and let it touch the soul
If those letters are letters of Longing that was only denied because of Pride
If those letters were for me
Pain is an easy burden to consider
If those letters were Love letters
Sent to a third space apart from my world and yours
If those letters were for me
Those were the same letters I had been sending you

To say the least, I know to whom I send my letters to
I had always been writing you
I had always been making these sh*tty poems for you
These poems where I’m the only one who’s satisfied with my rhymes
Poems where I repeat every line of my first stanzas
Poems where I can say anything I wanted because I know how you won’t pay attention reading them

You’re not like me
You never intended to send your letters to me
Never was I an inspiration for your prose
‘If’ is just a word I used to show myself under my coat of Hope
To realize that there’s nothing more to hide when you’re in good terms with Metaphor
To reveal every Secret because no one will ever comprehend to learn its implications

On September, you wrote a letter
Something about Love and Distance
Today is my September

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The stages of life come and go but I hope we enjoy every choice we make in whatever season we are in — the quiet and still moment or the loud and chaotic burst of colors. What goes up, always comes down; life’s a cycle and you can choose to see its better sides whether your uphill or down the valley. :)

The Dilemma

Around 2:47 this afternoon, this is what’s going on in my mind.

I don’t really know what to do.

We had this problem going on at the organization I’m working with and there are complicated choices that we should make and take.

When we were told about these truths, I honestly don’t know if I should stay or is it this time that I have to go? I felt that I had to do the former. I don’t want to quit when everybody is also at the same verge of difficulty as I am. Plus, we believe that the work that we’re doing is God’s work that if He wanted this to push through, He will let it.

I wanted to witness the miracle. I wanted to be present when all the things you’ve waited for finally mold itself into perfection. I wanted to cling to hope, to step out of faith even the dark is so dark that I may doubt if someone will catch me when I fell off the cliff. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be here, to do this right now.

There are people, however, that I need to take into consideration. And most of them is telling me to do the opposite of what I know I should do. And they’re all on the same side of the boat. Boo. Well, at one point, I’ve realized that they said parts of the situation that I kind of understand but didn’t see at first.

Ugh. My mind is in chaos now. I have settled this already in my heart when I jumped into the that decision I made (even when I cannot fully explain everything to my folks in a way which they would understand it).

I asked God. I wanted answers ’cause I know that if He really wanted me to be at this particular moment, He will answer, right?

And so, after a while, so far, here’s what I’ve got:

“The point is not an efficient life, the point is intimacy with God.”

“Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer.”

“The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer.”

“Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him.”

“One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ.”

So yeah. Sometimes things are a little bit fuzzy and labyrinth-ish that we don’t or I don’t really know how to respond to a situation I got in. Ergo, I demand answers. I wanted solutions to find my way or to figure out, at the very least, how I can sort this. But no. Life isn’t about the answers all the time. It’s about trusting the Captain of the ship and be in full dependence in knowing His very purpose on why He let things be the way it is.

I pray for courage and a whole new ride, Lord. I believe, help my unbelief.

Life is such a Bully.

It does not care whether you’re hurt after you fell off climbing the tree you’ve always wanted to pick your favorite fruit from; it will still let the bees find you and sting you until you recognize Pain and think as if it can kill you. The Pain that will make you want to curse because you feel betrayed. The Pain that pierces through the heart, so hard, like a bullet hitting the glass window and leaving it shattered and useless. The Pain that will convince you that tears are made of seawater because it taste like salt. The Pain that no matter wherever you go or whatever you do, will haunt you, like a nightmare washing away the rainbows in all of your good dreams – sudden and cruel.

Why does it have to be like that? Why do you even feel such things as Pain or Sadness or Anger? Why does it always have to be like your heart is taken out from your chest and placed in front of your face just for you to find out that your blood do really smell like a rusty roof in an abandoned building?  Why does reality even bother you when you’ve blasted out Silence in its full volume from your headphones? And finally, why do bad days exist?

Somebody once said: Life is 90% of what happens to us and 10% of how we react on it.

My theory is about moments – moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of completely high intensity that could turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are.

(Leo, The Vow)

Not every moment is a high-intensity-kind-of-moment; some, like having Bad Days and questioning Life about its existent, is one kind of moment. This is where Life gets a little bit sh*tty when you don’t have the patience to endure all its crap. This is where it slap you in the face even you felt that you’re the last person on earth who deserved to be treated in an awful way. This is where it declares war against everything you got under your control. This is where everything happens; this is where it shows you the possibility that whatever you got going on can be twisted like a broken symphony. After Life had rained its 90% under This Is What I Want To Give You Today Department, it will hand you your 10% to choose whether to sigh, to cry, to breakdown, to be angry, to feel pain, to dwell with sadness, to decide whichever way you want…to just do something about it. Your 10% shot at life could really end up defining who you are – after all, you are defined by your choices.

In my 21 years on Earth, I still get dumbfounded when bad days came lounging around the corridors of my already-disturbed-mind and my already-intolerant-of-pain-heart. I, often times, waste my 10% when Life gives me its hardcore 90. I think Crisis Management (when it comes to my life and the way I handle it in trials) would still be included in my I Got To Work On These Things List. It is never easy, my friend. Never. Easy.

Bad Days + Pain + Confusion + Whatever Life Throws At You = An opportunity for you/us to depend on Someone that could carry the heaviest burdens we could ever have on our shoulders. That although Life makes us look back on the choices on where we got it wrong, Someone can make all those choices turn out for something good and better, it would be a way to strengthen and build our character. There is that Someone, capital S, who will be in our rescue. He will never, ever, ever leave us hanging at the edge of a cliff without a skosh of hope that we can return back into the Safe. It’s just that, sometimes, it takes Him to break us so He could remold us into the kind of person He wants us to be. I believe, we ought to trust that, we ought to trust Him.

What to do with Life when it comes punching you to the stomach? Do as John Green says, feel the pain. Feel every muscle that contract and sore with that hard hitting punch that could also remind your lungs how it liked the taste of air. Feel the pain because it demands to be felt. Feel the bad days when it surprise you on a supposedly calm Monday morning. Feel Life in all its glorious sense of bullying.

Feel everything. Believe in Someone. Do something.

P.S. I don’t really think that this is a good post to say that Hey, I’m back! Haha! Anyhoo, yeah, I’m back on blogging. More of happy kwentos on some other days soon. :)