Around 2:47 this afternoon, this is what’s going on in my mind.
I don’t really know what to do.
We had this problem going on at the organization I’m working with and there are complicated choices that we should make and take.
When we were told about these truths, I honestly don’t know if I should stay or is it this time that I have to go? I felt that I had to do the former. I don’t want to quit when everybody is also at the same verge of difficulty as I am. Plus, we believe that the work that we’re doing is God’s work that if He wanted this to push through, He will let it.
I wanted to witness the miracle. I wanted to be present when all the things you’ve waited for finally mold itself into perfection. I wanted to cling to hope, to step out of faith even the dark is so dark that I may doubt if someone will catch me when I fell off the cliff. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be here, to do this right now.
There are people, however, that I need to take into consideration. And most of them is telling me to do the opposite of what I know I should do. And they’re all on the same side of the boat. Boo. Well, at one point, I’ve realized that they said parts of the situation that I kind of understand but didn’t see at first.
Ugh. My mind is in chaos now. I have settled this already in my heart when I jumped into the that decision I made (even when I cannot fully explain everything to my folks in a way which they would understand it).
I asked God. I wanted answers ’cause I know that if He really wanted me to be at this particular moment, He will answer, right?
And so, after a while, so far, here’s what I’ve got:
“The point is not an efficient life, the point is intimacy with God.”
“Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer.”
“The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer.”
“Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him.”
“One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ.”
So yeah. Sometimes things are a little bit fuzzy and labyrinth-ish that we don’t or I don’t really know how to respond to a situation I got in. Ergo, I demand answers. I wanted solutions to find my way or to figure out, at the very least, how I can sort this. But no. Life isn’t about the answers all the time. It’s about trusting the Captain of the ship and be in full dependence in knowing His very purpose on why He let things be the way it is.
I pray for courage and a whole new ride, Lord. I believe, help my unbelief.