I Want My Heart, Broken

Yes, you read that right.

Earlier today, while having a random conversation with a dear friend, I spit the statement: I want to experience a broken heart. I want to feel human. I want to experience that kind of pain. And you may think I’m ridiculous because honestly, who – in their right minds – want to have something to do with a broken heart?

Well, I think I’m crazy for saying that statement too or for even thinking that way. But, you know, I also kind of think that a person who have gone through (or who is still mending) a broken heart is the most beautiful fighter you’ll ever encounter in this lifetime. That person is just this big explosion of miracle in a milky way of grace, stranded in an island of hope. Just. So. Freaking. Beautiful.

Let me clear it to you, I’ve got a fair share of a broken heart myself, we’ve all had. However, my context in saying “I want a broken heart” is on the basis of a real committed relationship (all I have before and now are petty crushes ((haha)) and those, do not count). That kind of relationship where you finally let someone else enter into the world you build yourself and giving that person freedom to take care of you and be alongside you. That kind of relationship where you value each other more than you value eating pizza. That kind of relationship where you both would want to save Earth for, not because it is the only planet with chocolate, but because it is the planet where you experience this intensely surreal kind of emotion they call Love. That kind of relationship you thought – and you are sure – will lead to forever but for whatever stroke of fate, failed and ended. That kind of relationship bearing that kind of pain of a fresh and raw broken heart. That is what I want.

I want to understand why tears still flow after you have cried thousands and thousands of them. I want to be familiar with sleepless nights of recounting all your happy memories together along with the bad, and while at it, struggle on how to let go each one of them I hold so dearly. I want to recognize the throb in my chest, the never ending agony of feeling betrayed by Life. I want to go through every single doubt of kindness I can offer myself with. I want to learn catching my breath just to remind my lungs that “Hey, you need air. Try breathing.” I want to somersault in this reality of being human, I want to dive in this dark room of Pain.

I want to have a broken heart.
I want to have a broken heart.
I want to have a broken heart.

I want to have a broken heart because I know that it is only a phase; it is a requirement for Living the Life. Like you know, #YOLO. I want to have a broken heart because it shows you how you can be shattered into a million bits of pieces, and why, that is the most grandiose thing that will ever happen to you. Because once you’re broken, you become lost. And once you’re lost, you have this overflowing chances of encountering the Divine. And that, that is a privilege.

I want to have a broken heart because it sucker-punch you in the gut with Brave. It shows you that your knees, they’ll tremble and you might not able to get up anymore. It shows you that even at the sight of not being able to stand up on your feet, it’ll give you a thousand and one ways that you probably still can. And you know what, you will. And that’s when you’ll learn Bravery. It takes one brave man to wake up one day and tell himself that, “You’ve been here for far too long, it’s time to get up and move on.”

I want to have a broken heart because after you’ve been brave, you’ll grow strong. Your once beat-up, torned apart and wrecked core will find its way to wholeness. You’ll be whole after brokenness. It’s like, you were re-birthed in this planet to make a brand spanking slate of Come Back! This. Is. A. Whole. New. You.

After the broken heart, comes the healing, comes the forgiveness, comes a new kind of love to offer to the world. To a new and wonderful person.

And yeah sure, no matter how loud I say these things now, I can never guarantee that I’ll have the guts to actually face a broken heart when it’s my time to face one. So, let this be a reminder to my one day beat-up-torned-apart-and-wrecked heart in the future: You wanted this before, right? Life handed this to you now and you’re not sure anymore if you wanted to take back what you said when you said it. This might taste awful right now, because well, it is. I want you to hang on Hope, because promise, promise, promise, it will all get better. You’ll see.

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2 thoughts on “I Want My Heart, Broken

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