Say Something

I… I don’t feel anything anymore. When I hear your name, when I read your letters, when I am this close to seeing you once again. The butterflies in my stomach, they are at peace even at the thought of your presence; those butterflies don’t make me dizzy anymore. I can catch my breath now. I can look at you straight in the eyes without feeling awkward and fearing that my own eyes will betray me and tell you things like: I always wanted to be with you. I always wanted to choose you. I always wanted you to choose me, too.

The truth is, I never wanted those feelings – my feelings – for you to end. I never wanted to lose the spark, to cut the connection, to let go of all the memories. I never wanted us to fade. But you know, I also prayed for this day. I begged God to end whatever my feelings are for you because I know, we are like those Stars: we are crossed. We will never be. To be fair to myself, I just wanted to admit and tell you that: I liked you. A lot. And somewhere along the lines of pride and denial, I held these words in my tongue. I wrapped them in a secure place of I Will Never Let You Know.

I am afraid to grasp the idea of you feeling the same way as I am because it’s easier to think that you don’t. That this was never mutual. But somewhere in my heart, in my mind, in the times we spent — all that I am and all of who you are, I think, they (kind of) go together. Like twin souls. Like authentic laughter. Like two people who just want to hug each other but just can’t. Like there are too many signs and we choose to ignore them.

You are so beautiful. And I find out that the word beautiful can also be used to describe a boy, it supersedes the word handsome in every wonderful way. I always see you as beautiful. No, you were never perfect but you are beautiful. I don’t know what qualities you do have that will suffice my list of standards. You did not fit my standards in any way. That’s when I discovered, I don’t just like you, I think I had fallen in love with you. And Love, I heard, doesn’t need a reason why.

One sided love, ah, a familiar face! I felt this when I was younger: a love that isn’t reciprocated but still loving, anyways. It wasn’t all gloomy and shattered and lonely. In fact, it was electric and joyful and tastes like Summer in mid-Winter. It made me friends with Metaphors because I needed to hide your identity. And soon enough, I was able to craft my own Poetry which speaks of our moments together, I meant, my moment of looking at you closer and inhaling every blissful bits of gladness you unknowingly shared with my heart. Oh, it was marvelous! It still makes me smile whenever I remember.

Today, we hang in the air like moments. And we know that, moments too, need letting go.

You’re the one that I love. And I’m saying goodbye.

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Montello is Our Adventure

I know my friend, Shiela, is an amazing writer. I just never thought how insanely awesome her mind is in making stories.

About two years ago she started, with all the courage that she had, to put down on paper (or a writing platform aka Wattpad, at that) the very stories her mind had woven. I was already proud of her for doing so because very few people have the guts to follow their instinct, to pursue their dream, to just go ahead and bleed their purpose. Very few people will choose something crazy, will choose all the inconvenience over comfort, will choose all the hard work together with whatever they have going on in their lives at the moment. And I know, the other three of our friends (we’re five in our group) believed in her so so much. So there goes the story of Montello High: School of Gangsters.

I’m not going to nag on you to read that story over Wattpad here. Because if you haven’t experienced how a story can make you feel different sorts of feelings and bring you to places you’ve never been and open your eyes to things you might not yet seeing, then, you have a bigger problem. Haha! Kidding. But please, you know ninety-five percent of what I just said is true. I’ll never force you to read the story because I never forced myself to read it. And you know, people don’t need forcing to do something good for them, sometimes. There are other cases for that.

I never read it before because Shels (this is what we call her ((and for her fans, I don’t really know the origin of her pseudonym ‘Siel Alsreim’ but I think the ‘Siel’ part is short for Shels haha whatever))) haven’t finished writing it yet. Yes, I’m that kind of friend who doesn’t wanna read a friend’s story until it’s finished because I’m not very brave in the department of Hang in There for a While, I’ll Give You Your Updates Soon unlike most of her readers. And I love these readers who continued the support for over a year until the completion of the book. Grabe guys, iba kayo. #PUSO It shows that people appreciate art and people can connect their souls to a genuine art if it’s something really very wonderful and sincere. And Shels achieved what every writers should: only connect. It makes us prouder for her even more. Just to clarify though, we (us friends) are already proud of each other and believe in each other just because of who we are, individually. It’s just that how everything turned out for this adventure Shels had was super overwhelming beyond what we imagined. It’s amazing, God is superkaduper awesome!!!

I just read Montello yesterday and I can’t put it down despite my household chores and other things I needed to do. I read it til almost sunrise of today lol. And I was just mindblown. It IS a beautiful work of art. Just. Wow. I witnessed every single shift of events and I was awed. Who can think such story? It was very lovely. It is indeed full of adventure, teenage angst, young love, violence (please be guided when reading it, there are a lot of cussing and violence ((we don’t tolerate that outside the book just so you know lol))), hot-guys-who-read books-and-are-so-full-of-substance (this we tolerate), friendship, death, loss, letting go, acceptance, love and self-love.

When I was younger, I secretly wish to be a gangster too and be all that invincible; reading Montello is like reliving that dream. Haha. I know. Lol. Also, I’ve always wanted that “young love” but that never happened to me (boooo); I meant, the young love that I felt back then was not something that was reciprocated to me. If you are like me, it’s okay. When you love someone, you don’t lose, whether that love was reciprocated or not. Please remember that. (That’s why I adore MHSG’s Jin Cast. It takes one brave soul to love one-sided love. #oopsspoilerthere) Please also remember, High School and College is not the end of the world, if you haven’t given a love story then, something better is coming your way someday. Hold on tight, it’ll be a wonderful ride. Hold. On. Tight.

I will never leave my two cents on Montello without giving credit to our other friend, Mari, who became Shels’ confidant and editor in the whole process of MHSG. Whatever they say, she will be the first editor who ever touched this treasure and no one will ever be compared to the dedication that she put at stake in there. No one will ever dare question! MHSG was a tag team of Shels, editor, readers, fans and all those amazing people who kept being amazing to the story and to our friends.

Thank You Lord, for showing us how limited our minds are because You certainly can do Your works and we will stand in full amazement and praise! Thank You that Montello High: School of Gangsters will be published as a book! (!!!) Yup, you heard it right. It will be published by Summit Media (one of our dream companies to work to, before). This book – Shels’ story – will be available for you to read in hard copies just so you learn the Art of Waiting. If not, I gave you the link earlier and you can start reading if you want to. But it’ll defs worth owning, so start saving up! Lol.

For all those who loved, lost, loved again; those who value friendship; those who cherish their family; those who made mistakes, been so desperate, but learned to hope and get back on their feet… Montello is our adventure. And yes, I’ll keep it.

Press On, 2014

After all the fireworks, the sparklers, the never ending jumps and shouts in a glee chorus greeting of Happy New Year’s, we are now here — all of us are given another shot in this Life to write whatever we wish, we plan, we pray for and intend to do with our own Jar of Chances this 2014. I hope we can make the most out of our hearts and our hands and create something fragile and beautiful that we would be able to look back and tell ourselves, “Finally, I made it. It’s worth the try. It’s worth the pain. It’s worth the experience.”

2013 was a very special year for me. There were a lot of beyond great things I learned as Life grabbed me by the shoulders and bang me on the door of This Is What Surprise Looks Like. I almost lost my breath under the water of pressure, panic, worry and I Don’t Know Why All Of These Things Are Happening Right Now. It was all so surreal that it led me to different kinds of emotions which, sometimes, are all at one point at the same time. There was a time where I am in extreme level of calmness until five minutes later I’m boiling in extreme level of disappointment mixed with anger and all those rants teenagers do (and I’m not a teenager anymore hahaha).

Back then, I don’t understand everything that’s happening to me, I begged God to help me love where I am and what I do. And I thank Him because He never left my side during the days of my drama, my stubbornness, my ugly words and ugly thoughts, my impatience, my grumbles. I thank Him because He sustained me, pushed me and believed in me when what’s ahead of me is just some bleak reflection of confusion. Because yes, in 2013, I got some really dark periods because I chose to look at Life on the wrong side of the lens. There were no regrets, though, because all of the actions I took, the emotions I felt, the mistakes I did — they were mine, I own them. It’s just an amazing journey of grace that throughout all of it, you can end victorious. That although there were goodbyes and endings and some painful and sad fractions, there were also excitement and new beginnings and gratitude and hope. 2013 made me weak but God made me strong. It was the year He showered me a lot of Courage which I gladly bathe myself into.

My word for 2013 was Conquer. I don’t have an idea how I got into that word but as I’m looking back to how the past year turned out, I really did – by God’s grace – #conquered a lot of things and also got to taste the word #alive so much because 2013 left me breathless in a (mix of) good (and overwhelming) way:

  • I rode an airplane (first time!!!) going to Bacolod to conduct Voter Education workshops;
  • Conducted Voter Education workshops with different organizational partners;
  • Learned and appreciated Administrative and Messengerial skills;
  • Attitude of Gratitude never lets the joy of any person on empty;
  • Attended the Global Discipleship Congress 2013 at our church;
  • Watched The Script’s concert (!!!);
  • Helped insolid Research Projects;
  • Joined the March against Pork Barrel;
  • Witnessed Nick Vujicic’s Unstoppable Faith – Live;
  • Got a blogpost featured in a favorite OPM band’s Facebook page;
  • Resigned from my first official job I came to love (this needed me to overdose on Insane Courage pills);
  • Got accepted in my second job which I am starting to love;
  • Rocked (haha) my short hair for a year (I’ll grow it long this 2014);
  • Pursued some healthy exercise called Running and joined events which led me to meet Coach Rio (such an inspiring gentleman) and some other people who loves to keep an active lifestyle (I hope I can do it again this year);
  • Attended my very first Better Story Project workshop and got to meet Isabel Garcia (!!!) and Julianne (!!!) and other beautiful ladies (I’ll do it again this year haha);
  • Started writing my very first fiction which happens to be a Novel;
  • Wrote lyrics for a friend’s melody composition – I was energized, I did the writing less than six hours haha;
  • Have my hair colored in Medium Blonde, Level 7 in one random Saturday before my birthday;
  • Met new friends who are all awesomely special;
  • Met with old friends who are all wonderfully treasured.

The list can go on. I tried my best to keep every bullet simple even when most of it got its own glorious story behind how it happened.

For the year 2014, my word would be: Press(ing) On. This would be a year of Perseverance, of pursuing things with so much brave and faith in my heart. There are a lot of things I still wanna do and I pray that I could muster up courage again and do things that could make me feel my heart on my sleeve. It is a new blank page of Hope, of gazing at beauty and be awe-inspired by Life and what it can still slap in our faces with its promise that: Everything happens for a reason. Trust the struggle. Enjoy the moment. Keep pressing on!