And If It Matters

People make mistakes. You, me, everyone else in this planet are capable of making a mess out of everything that supposed to hold beauty, order and peace in it. We are creatures of the flesh; we are never spared by the vultures that haunt us in the deepest oceans of our core. We have the ability to break the bones of our fragile words, to leave a scar on someone’s bloodstream, to spread darkness in a room searching for its light. We are human. We are only human. Our voyage to lead a life that only knows Hope will encounter the wilderness of Lost. And I wanted you to know that these, all of these, are inevitable because we are living. Because we have life. Because we have choices. And there’ll be times of wrong choices. And there’ll be times of deranged resolutions. And there’ll be times of destructive break-frees. These, too, are expected because life is a many splendored crap-hole.

It doesn’t mean though that when you jumped into one wrong move, you’ll end up in the never ending cycle of cursed fate. It doesn’t mean that when you placed all your aces in the game of life, you have all the risk of blowing everything off. It doesn’t mean when you made something wrong, you lose the chances of making it right. It doesn’t mean the way you think when you’re thinking of all the awful lists of how you are not worthy of any redemption.

Please remember that Grace, Forgiveness and Love is what defines your soul. This, my friend, is your armor. We have been bought for a price for all our shortcomings and we have to be grateful for this. There is Someone who believed that we are worthy of redemption, of salvation. Although we are not capable of being perfect, being righteous, being holy – we are capable of living, of making choices, of facing the consequences of our choices. And this is your beauty: to live your own story. It might be ugly, it might be chaotic, it might be unpleasant at times but it is yours. You are the only one who can live your life for you. I encourage you to hurdle the storms and live it.

Emptiness and Brokenness are two faces of growth. They are friends with Hope – the gem that we are all holding onto. Trust the struggle. Trust the overcoming. Trust the potential of your story. And if it matters, I trust you with every fiber of faith I have. So please, trust yourself and this situation. Trust the Divine. Anchor all your energy into your armor.

There is beauty in every unwise decisions learned. There is completeness in every vulnerability. There is comfort in every honesty. There is redemption for you and me.

But the lives we lead are squishy shoes and the only way to get it right is to wear them well, not trade them in. (Isabel Garcia)

Live your story six hundred forty eight words per minute.

Someday, I’m Gonna Receive Flowers

It has always been stressed out that Love is something worth waiting for. And I have been in this whole business of Waiting for more than two decades already. And yes, I am getting to the point of being stressed out (haha kidding I’m all for this Waiting Game)!

When I was younger, I always dreamt of meeting “the One.” My God’s Best (GB): the person whom God will bring into my life which will make my heart skip a beat; the person who will shower me with all the attention and care that I needed; the person who will tell me that I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and mean it; the person who will do everything to protect me and make me happy; the person who will settle down with me to build our own home and family (I’m thinking five kids haha); the person who will choose me for who I am and who I am not – no matter how cliché that “choosing me” sounded – period. I planned everything when I was fifteen and was about to graduate high school. After four years in College, I’d have a stable job for about two or three years, thereafter, I should’ve met him already. I would be 23 at that point and we would spend four or five years of being together before he would propose to me. By the age of 28, I’ll get married and live happily ever after. HAHA too much daydreaming, fairytales and Disney movies!

Currently, I now hit the I-should-have-already-met-the-One-by-this-time mark which my younger self had planned all along. Obviously, though, it wasn’t a well-executed plan as I expected it to be. But hey, I’m still 23, anything can happen! Who knows? Lol I never thought Waiting could be a thermometer of Courage. As Time contribute years to your life on Earth, it also add fears and doubts to your conviction that this whole thing they call Love will be worth the wait til the end.

We should commend the catalyst who invented the Day of Love which the entire universe celebrates at this very moment, though. It makes all of us who are still waiting realize how it is too difficult to keep up with what we’re doing when everyone around us have already found their match. Life can be a pain, sometimes lol. It’s especially hard when you haven’t experienced being found by someone ever, yet. I’m gonna be honest, the longing grows deep; thus, making this journey a very tough ride.

Last Friday, eve of Valentine’s, some of the guys at the office bought bouquet of flowers for their special someones. It’s wonderful to see the efforts that these souls are willing to take just to make their other half feel exceptional on the day made for Love to be acknowledged. That although some of them doesn’t believe in the idea of “giving flowers” because they said, “flowers die,” they’d still give the flowers anyway because it’s a gesture which their loved ones will appreciate. They’re so in love :) At that time I thought, when will my turn come? When will someone bother to think if I’d like some flowers on Valentine’s or even in any ordinary day? When will Love take place? When will the Wait be over?

Too many questions but no definite answers.

Maybe love lives inside of us. Maybe love is meant for us to give to someone else. Maybe love will find its way to us when we’re out in the porch, watching the sunset and singing with all our hearts in a song by our favorite boyband of the 90s. Maybe Love is just around the corner and will hit us fast with smack in the face when we believe it. (Me three years ago, sometimes I make sense haha)

I still believe in Love and I’m never gonna stop. I still believe in the beautiful struggle of Waiting. Damn, it’s so hard but I still believe that there is someone out there for me. That someday someone will have the courage to ask me out on a date. That someday someone will have the boldness to tell me what his feelings are for me and how he is so ready to take the risk and see if we have a shot at chance. That someday someone will hold my hand whenever and wherever and even without any reason at all. That someday someone will always stretch the widest smile at the sight of my presence. That someday someone will give me flowers even if he doesn’t believe in the idea of giving flowers.

I’m not certain when will our story unfold, all I know is our story has been written down by such an amazing Author who will grant the desires of our hearts in the most perfect time, perfect place, and with the perfect person. I know someday, someone will come and tell me that Love has arrived and that the long Wait is finally over. I know someday, Valentine’s or not, I’m gonna receive those flowers. :)

Choosing an Alternate Ending

I’m the kind of person who loves to start doing things which will later end up unfinished: running twice a week, journaling significant moments in a day, writing down lists of things I’m grateful for and dropping it in my Gratitude Jar, keeping up with my planner every year, reading books, creating art, eating in moderation, (and possibly) ending this sentence properly, heh etcetera etcetera. One major proof of this phenomenon as you can see is my “absence” from this humble space for almost half of the year last year. Gee, am I such a mess?

This is also the reason why I believe that the end doesn’t always justify the means. See, people can have beautiful beginnings yet have tragic endings and vice versa. Because choices bring a lot of who we are in this wilderness called Life.

As I grew older every year, I am desiring to see if I’ve been making a difference, if I’ve been doing something worthy, if I’ve been living this life to the greatest extent possible. I’m coming to realize that whenever I start doing something, it would be brave of my character if I’ll pour in the needed effort to actually finish it.

2015 is a fresh start (once again) and I got this impression in my heart that this year is a year of getting soaked so deep in the ocean, swimming. You must understand that “me, swimming” is a metaphor of “me, committing” – me showing up for the things I’ve signed up for. Because it’s one thing to get in the water and it’s another thing to go paddle yourself to the center island from the shore. It’s one thing to start something and it’s entirely different to have the urge and hustle all the way to the end goal of what you have started.

The word Commitment is such a bold word, though. It asks so much from you and to be honest, it’s scary. You gotta have the patience and the discipline to keep on pushing when all you wanna do is relax and take everything easy. I bet Easy is not even in the vocabulary of Commitment, maybe there’s only Hustle.

Now, there’s a good chance of me failing to do my commitments. The month of January have proven that to me. When I was a little bit younger, once I failed on something, I convinced myself that I’d probably be failing my whole journey anyway so might as well stop. And I did. I stopped three fourths of the way, mid way, or even if I just took the wrong two or three steps from the path I’m trying to go to. I stopped because I felt that maybe I’m just too hopeless to even continue. Well, the younger self clearly didn’t understand commitment.

I guess when things get tough and we can only measure our hope by teaspoons, we should still choose to stick to the possibility of overcoming. Commitment is hustling. It is working doubly hard to stand by our words, our passions and our innermost desires even if, sometimes, we have to face defeat. The overcoming of defeat is the highlight of every victory. And, it’s never gonna be easy.

Here’s to the beautiful hardships that Commitment will bring this 2015! Here’s to hustling! Here’s to choosing an alternate ending – a well done one, a complete one. It’s about time.