Garbage Collection

There’ll come a time when you will not live up to the standards. You will disappoint people, you’ll be disappointed by people and you’ll get disappointed at yourself in full circle. You’ll feel a hole inside your chest and your emotions may get too intense that you will feel this hole getting bigger and bigger and you will carry an emotion that gets heavier and heavier. And you’ll realize that whatever it is that you fill in the hole will never be enough because it isn’t something that will ever satisfy your soul in the first place.

What is it about hurt that makes it hard for you to forgive? What is it about pride that makes it hard for you to utter a sorry? What is it about loneliness that makes it hard for you to find peace? What is it about darkness that makes it hard for you to see the light? What is it about questions that makes it hard for you to look for answers?

Sometimes you think that whatever you’re feeling at this very moment will never end. Sometimes you think that if by trying to write these feelings down, you will get to the point of understanding how you will get through this process. You never liked uncomfortable and uncontrollable process. You never liked darkness. You probably even think that this will never be included in the best moments to behold in your most precious life because this is painfully awful. You just wanna escape and wake up to a morning of normal where you have always been predictably happy; and not like this, being overly quiet, eating hurt and lingering to loneliness. This may be so bad. This may want you to cry and crawl up your body in a position where you don’t feel fragile.

***

I watched my brother took out the trash for the scheduled garbage collection at our street. We have two bins full of one week of household refuse. When he removed one of the trash bags, maggots were coming out of it and when he removed the other, a horrid smell travelled our nostrils. And I wonder, what are we filling our bins with? If we hold onto the hurt, the pride, the loneliness, the darkness and the questions, what will come out of us? Are we taking care of maggots? Are we carrying a horrid smell?

My brother thoroughly cleaned the trash bins after taking out the garbage. He washed it with running water, he got a handful of powdered soap and tossed it inside each receptacle and rewashed everything with running water. He took a little more than five minutes to clean the maggots-coming-out-of-a-horrid-smelling-one-week-of-discarded-matter trash bins. It felt like there was never something rotting in there, it was totally spotless.

***

You know the answers deep inside you. You have always known what to do. You just need to make a choice. Your decision might be leaning to humility, might be leaning to acceptance of wrongs, might be leaning to loving unconditionally.

How long are you planning to hold on to the maggots? When will you take out the trash?

All the rotten things must not be stored in your heart. You’ve seen how a week can do so much spoilage. However, if you think this is a phase you need to go through, then go through this. But please don’t cling onto this for too long. Don’t let the maggots eat your soul. You can always take out the trash.

We should just love them. Hard.

Acknowledgement.
Recognition.
Confirmation.

I believe feelings are meant to be acknowledged; feelings are meant to be recognized; feelings are meant to be confirmed. Especially if these feelings are special feelings for someone special. Haha whut? This I repeat my phrases, I forget my tenses, I refuse my inability to make any sense of my words is what happens when I’m writing about the most magical force in the entire universe known as Love and I got specific people in mind to whom I get this consuming fireball of inspiration to blabber about something I don’t entirely know anything about. Love, sometimes, is strange. Love, sometimes, is a stranger. Love is a stranger I’m waiting to meet.

Six years ago, I kept within myself an emotion I deeply wanted to share with someone else but I’m not sure if he’s gonna be more than willing to handle it. In my mind, it was easy to make enough excuses and plenty of reasons as to why I should lock in all those emotions into a box called never mind. I was scared and terrified to bear with the possible truth of a one way love affair. Until now, it haunts me. On some days, I simply wanted to call him over the phone and tell him to come see me at a coffee shop near our place just so I can ask him the questions: Did you ever consider me? Did you ever love me?

Pathetic. HAHA BUT DON’T JUDGE! Those were the exact questions I really – badly – wanted to ask him for me to get over with it. Because c’mon, what are the odds?

That guy from my past, we had this connection. In Greek, we are deeply connected by the very thing that stirs the human core: tekhnΔ“ (music). It was that and I believe it was something more than that. But that’s where we started, as per my perspective. That guy and I got constant communication, I don’t completely remember but mostly we talk nonsense and we don’t actually mind wasting our time with this kind of foolishness. Time flew by so fast when we’re together and sometimes I prayed for Time to stop just so I can study his face a little while longer and stare at his beautiful eyes for hours. *cue cringe* From my lenses, we had “the spark.” We got some chemistry going on and we don’t mean science. He was all these sending-butterflies-down-my-belly-everytime-I-see-him and the-very-trip-down-memory-lane-I-don’t-ever-wanna-forget-even-I-ended-up-walking-that-one-way-street-of-Love kind of guy. And I wanted to know if I was all of these for him, too. I guess, I just wanted to know if I ever mattered to him. I wanted to know if we had a shot at chance. Well, I don’t know if getting the answers to all the questions in my head was absolutely necessary.

But you know what, we never really tried. We never got to the edge of confirming anything. I acknowledged and recognized what I felt for him and I stopped there. I never let him knew. The reason being is that I’m a woman and I wanted a man whose gonna confess his feelings for me and not the other way around. I don’t want to take myself away the privilege of being asked. That although I was sure we had something, I cannot hold onto that kind of reality because he did not reinforce this truth. What we had did not equate to what we could have been.

The only thing I’m keeping, however, is the reality that in spite of all my questions, I am certain of the truth that I loved him. We did not progress, but I loved him dearly. Very dearly. And I don’t have any plans of regretting that decision.

I think if we want to love a person, we shouldn’t be cowards. We should just love them. Hard. And if we are blessed with enough courage, we should go right ahead and tell them. Risk. At the end of the day, we never are losers when we love. Even if it’s a love reciprocated or a love that is not.