Begin Again

The hardest thing is to scribble your way to the starting line.

Beginnings have always been the most difficult for me. When trying to write something, I go around my head to find the right words that could fit to what my feelings has to say. And it takes me a while to unearth the syllables. When making art, I face a gazillion of thoughts on how ugly my outputs will be like because I’m not “that good” at making art yet. And it takes me pockets full of courage to just keep doing art anyway. When going to the gym, I fight the urge of staying longer in bed to get some more sleep but well, there are still times that I do give in to zzzz. And it takes me two consistent coaches to get me inspired (#awww #niñawins) to pick up from where I left off the other day and continue the grind.

Beginnings are the struggle. And dear friends, the struggle is real.

How many times have we encountered endings in this lifetime? How many times have we been promised of beginnings after endings? It’s constant. Life’s a cycle.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

-Closing Time, Semisonic

Whether we end well or not, we are given a chance to begin again. And It’s gonna require all of our strength to apologize to this fallen world because we are refusing to sink. And as much as we are hesitant of new beginnings sometimes, we are going to grab it every chance we get. No matter how damn hard the beginning process will look like. No matter how damn hard the toil and endurance it will take us. We are going to begin again. And again. And again. Like a Phoenix.

But before one continues on to the next round of life, one must fully embrace their scars from their past battle: acceptance of things we did and cannot change, forgiveness from the hurt other people caused us and the ones we caused ourselves, and heart to keep on loving all the beauty that is us. The heart to keep on believing us.

We are not always sure if we are doing Life the right way it should be. We won’t figure it out in an instant, either. We will face a lot of confusing and trying times as we go along. Maybe the whole point of Beginning is the learning that it offers. Because imagine if we were able to walk right away after we came out of our mothers’ wombs, then we would not experience the disappointment of falling on our scraped knees like kids do. See, Falling is an absolute reality. Maybe Beginnings are meant for us to learn from falling and failures and growing stronger amidst both. Maybe Beginnings are meant for us to ride the experience of feeling unsure, of committing mistakes, of repeating mistakes, of ending the mistakes.

When I made up my mind to dedicate a part of who I am into writing and making art, I exposed myself to rare beginnings and thousand failures. And my failing continues every single time I begin because I thought there’s always something to improve on. But whenever I look back to my younger self, I recognize her as someone who took the risk and I loved her for doing so. Because even that young one failed many times, her heart is full of fresh beginnings that one day – and I’m very sure of this – will end in the most amazing way possible.

Begin. Even when the now is bleak.
Begin. Even when the future is uncertain.
Begin. Even when every molecule of your human soul begs you to stop.
Just begin. Take risks. Show up.

As with everything in life, we decide to begin and we decide when to begin. We begin when we’re ready. I hope we’ll always be.

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