Frank Ohara: Having a Coke With You

Having a coke with you
Is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
Partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
Partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
Partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
Partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
It is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
As solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
In the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
Between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

And the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
You suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
Except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
And the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
Just as at home I never think of the Nude
Descending a Staircase or at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michaelangelo that used to wow me
And what good does all the research of the impressionists do them
When they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully as the horse

It seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
Which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

~I first heard the poem when I watched the Beastly movie. It was just so sweet and cool–poems/poets, they are some love and happiness! I shall buy a poem book soon. I need them inspiration to write! ;)

Sorry to Bother You With This

Dear GB,

It’s been a while since I wrote you a letter since I went on blog-slash-journal-and-writing-stuffs-fast. I’m just wondering, do you know how hard it is to wait for something uncertain?

You see, I had this crush at school way back before. If you’re there by my side at those times, it might be a pain for you to watch how I’m head over heels to this particular guy. You might actually cringe because I even write him poems since I can’t tell NOR show some hint of my feelings for him. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how hard it is to be a girl and you can’t tell a guy that you’re crushing on him? Did you ever feel that way?

You wouldn’t mind that I’m crushing on somebody, would you?

You know sometimes, I really think that you’re so good to be true; that these letters I wrote is somehow addressed only to the cool breeze and warm sunshine and not to an actual person. I don’t even know if you’re real, but, I have faith–faith to the Author of my life and love story. I’m always hanging on to the good things and experiences my Dad would give me here on earth. Right Dad? I’m sure you reserved someone for me. *crossed-fingers*

Going back. This crush of mine is the crush of everyone else. Plus point for ‘reasonable’. Somebody once said, I seemed to like the same qualities on a guy just like everyone else’s at least for the Looks Department–the guy-next-door type. Well, yeah, sort of. If we were to base on the physical appearance–I’ll go for someone very neatly groomed, has a nice nose, fresh breath and clean teeth and just the right amount of X factor. I’m not very particular with the skin tone, although, I notice guys who got light shaded tone more. These are the type of guys who won’t even knew I ever existed. HAHA. Yeah, so I got a crush on this guy for his looks.

Second, the way he acts when his around me. You know, girls when they have crushes, they think a bunch of signs, meanings and wonders on a single action done by their guy crushes? Even a simple candy wrapper from the crush can mean so much than just it being a “candy wrapper.” So you, as a guy, try to be careful on those things okay? What you do to a girl can mean another thing for her, you better keep guard.

Third, we became friends. And when you’re friends, that’s a whole lot of another level, another set of boundaries. I saw his other side that made me had a crush on him a little bit more. I’ve been uncrushing him, for what, two years already and I never perfected it yet. You know, I still wait on him; hoping he had felt even the slightest of what I’d felt until now and you bet, I’m stuck on ‘never’ for an answer. Ha! After fate set in and we had to part roads to take, he seemed to have changed. Or I expected too much on him staying the same way as I wanted. Oh man! And just this day, he texted. After a month! Goodness! He always texted once a week before; then all of a sudden–a God-given prayer of mine too–there’s silence and I hanged on my patience.

He’s a close friend and I shouldn’t act this way, should I? Plus, it’s a petty crush. Or is it not? Although I always knew that he is not ‘the one’ for me and I bet, he always knew that too, I still gave myself much hurt on relying on my false hopes. Ha! It’s just that, sometimes, I don’t want to let him go because he made me feel that I’m kinda…beautiful. Every time I’m with him, his presence makes me feel beautiful. He believed in me. Okay, I’m stopping.

I know I’m starting to sound so foolish but that’s how I’m feeling. I never…sometimes, I led myself to a pity party–because I’m not as smart or pretty as all the other girls are. You know, sometimes my insecurities made me feel like there would never be a ‘someone’ who’s gonna admire me for who I am. Like, I always have to be somebody else; like, I have to double my efforts for others to notice me. And that very same thing is not what I wanted to do. But, thank God He’s always there to catch me each and every nth time I fall because of my insecurity baggages! I need Him. He is someone who always stays by my side. I think, I need to go seriously back to His arms of grace. Man, why do I always run away from Him when He’s gonna help me deal with these issues with myself…and my concerns when it comes to boys?

I’m writing this to you because I wanted to tell you, I wanted to show you a part of my imperfection. I’m flawed. It’s only by God’s grace that I could make peace with myself. My personality and relationship with my Dad is something I NEED to strengthen for me to be free from these bondages I’m giving to myself.

And now, it sounded like I wrote not a letter but a diary entry. Haha. Anyways if you happen to read this, pray for me, alright?

Tis one of those days when I wanted to see you already.

When will I ever?

Working out some flaws and hoping you’d still want to meet me soon,
Ninsy

P.S.
I actually wrote this earlier this November on my journal. I just posted it a bit late here on the blog just in case, you my dear GB is a blog-reader dude.

P.P.S.
I’m doing fine now. Still struggling at certain times but I’m fine. :) good night you, cheers!

I Thought of You

Dear GB,

Somebody once said, the word GB (God’s Best) is not to be defined as the guy which single Christian ladies are waiting all their life to come. God’s Best is simply defined as the life God has given you, walking together with Him all the days of your life. Because even there is someone you think is meant for you or there is none, God’s love is more than enough in this lifetime, especially onto eternity. Thus, I have a hard time thinking what other names should I call you aside from GB (when I have promised myself that I’ll stop hunting already) but I later realize that I’ll still call you that. You know, I love to write letters. Writing letters for you is something I always loved to do. So here I am, yet again.

I saw Gary V’s special TV episode earlier today. I stand teary-eyed how his family is so bonded together–the song they sung as a family touched my heart. And I found myself hoping that someday I’ll have a family like that–God is in the center of their relationship and it shows inside out. It’s amazing how faithful God is to His children who are truly faithful to Him–that even their family serves as an inspiration to the people they encounter in their lives. I would love to have something like that in the future. Are you a fan of those things too?

However, at my rate now, I have a lot of growing up to do before I get the chance to finally meet you and have a family like that in the future. I believe that I’m still young and I need to work on my relationship with my Father first before anything else. Isn’t it nice when we have been sustained and are complete with Jesus in our hearts and lives? When such, we could be capable of a much healthier relationship together. (How many ‘relationship’, ‘family’ and ‘in the future’ word did I say already? Ha!)

I’m still a work in progress. When I shine out God-like character in my life and is in a strong walk with Him shall I have the time to entertain you. So for now, nor the following year and next, I will be getting ready. To fulfill what Christ wants for me is on my top list. Meeting you though, would have to wait. But I pray, when we two meet, we both are ready by that time.

Let’s continue to pray for each other so we can arrive to that stage, okay?

Loyal forever,
Ninsy

Finally, I got to the point of Loving IT!

Today, the most amazing-est thing happened in my line of work.

Way back the month of June, I was accepted to be a part of the team of Christian Convergence for Good Governance CCGG and was given the position to be the Program Officer of Communications, Research and Publications. CCGG is a coalition of faith-based organizations committed to advocate, equip and mobilize for good governance and nation-building (cheating on the organization’s profile here); NGOs are known for conducting various seminars, trainings and other things that equates to learning. Basically, my job description are: to research and write out for the kits that will be used for those trainings and the advocacy of our organization; to coordinate with the layout artist and other people who are involved in printing out those materials; to be involved in brain-stormings and planning for the trainings; and ,to be well-informed of the current happenings on the government sort of like government-watching as I call it. With all these in mind, an ordinary individual can do the equation that it’s all about promoting good governance and fighting corruption—very much politics. Get this: I NEVER liked Politics or government issues or anything related to that. It’s just very hard for me eye sore actually. And so I have indeed a difficult time understanding my purpose on why am I in my organization and so forth…until recently.

My Boss exposed me on different board meetings and tasked me to take down important details of the meeting or what they call the Minutes. Before, I never understood that term because I’m never used to it. How pathetic little College Grad student, even High School students know that. But hey, I know it now! I deserve a Yay! Going back, that time gave me insights on how this organization where I belong works—what they do. Little by little (in short after two months) I now get a feel of how it is supposed to be. In addition, their advocacy on fighting corruption touched my inner core and I was like Aaah, that’s sweet. To raise awareness on the corruption that’s happening in the country, they it’s now safe to say, we target the youth (this will be worked on campuses); NGOs and churches (primarily, evangelical churches).

The luxury of staff is what we don’t have, thus, we’re one Program Officer for Trainings and Seminars short. What do we do now? Since there are no budget for the Program Officer for Training yet, I’m assigned to fulfill its duties too—that includes facilitating seminars and a whole lot of time talking to people; doing follow-ups one after the other. I’m really scared facing strangers because my mom told me before to don’t talk to strangers and I process people before I open up myself to them. And so, facilitating is a challenge for me. Although, I always wanted to do that: to help other people and then inspire them in the process. Congratulations, dream come true! Ha! Training schedules start on September and counting now, it’s one week left. I’m gonna need some prayers on these please. ;)

Our organization is coming up with a new project too—publishing a book where people from different walks of life had their fair share of them saying no to corruption. Yesterday, my Boss appointed me to interview people to whom we might actually get good stories for the book we’re about to publish. I got the chance to start my day one on the interview part earlier. And oh my, I’ve seen a lot of hearts and hopes in their stories. It inspired me as a person. It inspired me as a Filipino. I can’t explain the whole scenario of the interview part yet but one thing’s for sure, the experience of doing the interview made me love my work even more and appreciate the very simplest thing of it: making the Filipinos aware of the reality of corruption (that even ordinary people are capable of) and what they can do to stop it. I have a lot of interview schedules dated ahead of me and even if it means I won’t be celebrating the weekend extensions on Monday and Tuesday I’m truly excited of the things I’m about to learn.

I’m thankful for this kind of job (which I doubted at first) God has given me. This is where He placed me and I know that I had to fulfill my purpose in here (it’s the other way around, though. I’m the one who’s being fulfilled from this service). Since my officemates are Christians too, they also even without them knowing inspires me about life and other things. And so, yes. This stage of my career life is just AWEZMN! To God be the glory in everything we do. :)

It Just Gets You

Growing up, never did I feel that I’m the prettiest girl in class nor I’m the beautiful princess at home. I never believe that I’m or will ever be attractive at all *coz I’m really not*. And that’s probably the biggest insecurity I’ll ever have. I’m telling you, it s*c*s sometimes. 

My mother is not the typical mother any child would have–the type that would tell his/her child he/she is handsome or beautiful, she’s not like that. I think she too is not convinced that I’m *at the very least* pretty, even. Yeah. What a support team?! Haha. But I wanna believe that she’s just not too vocal about how gorgeous I am and so. Haha. Kidding. 

Other people tell me that I need to learn how to take care of myself now, coz I’m not getting any younger. That I need to fix my hair, buy this-and-that for my face and do this for my body. There are others who just simply say that I don’t look good or I look old or I don’t look my age.  All those kinds of advices, and yes, even unpleasant thoughts. You see, my language of love is Words–hence, for me talking with grace is a major plus point. You can tell me I’m ugly and all that, but, sandwich it with some positive attributes so it won’t hurt that much. However, one cannot expect to receive that kind of treatment for always; there will be people who are very straightforward–forgetting grace and all and you just have to deal with it. 

The world has it’s own ways of defining what beauty is and definitely I don’t fit into it’s standards. We all feel that every once in a while. I’m just ever grateful though because I don’t belong to the world. I belong to the King of Kings; I’m a Royalty; I’m a Princess. Saying this, it boosts my confidence up 100times a notch. Although, being tempted and going back to my insecurities is always there. Like now. Some people can simply talk and discourage you in the process. When this happens and it happens every time, you’ll always have two choices: let them win and bring you down or let them realize that they won’t bring you down. It’ s a struggle to go over the latter coz it’s easier to throw out a Pity Party than being one Miss Bulletproof.

Actually, one can’t really face those giant monsters in their closets alone. That’s where the royal bloodlines come in. I can never do it alone–put a face in my insecurities and letting them all go and don’t affect me. Praise God, I have Him with me always. Even I got this major struggle with Beauty–funny, but yes I do, He always assures me that I’m more than what the world thinks I am. He thought of me as precious and sacrifice-worthy. He loves me. Even I burp like an ogre or I look like one. He’s just amazing. AWESOME!

I don’t give up on being one pretty girl. I know at the right time, I will be, but not because I followed the ways of the world. But my beauty shines inside out–the beauty of loving and serving my Big Daddy. I wanna achieve that first, for then, physical beauty will follow. Oh yeah!

So with this, a quick shoutout I give to my God’s Best: wherever you are and if you can even read this, I’m still a work in progress. I’ll do my very best to be the Someone God wants me to be for I know you’re doing the same too. I’m excited to meet you but I pray that when we do, you’ll see my efforts as I’m gonna see yours. Let’s do this for the glory of the King. :) orayt!

Live high. Live mighty. Live righteously. Cheers!

Tis One of Those Days

Hello. :)

I’m just wondering where you are right now. You know, I’ve been waiting for you since Day One–like a four year old kid waiting for her mother to buy her bubble gum flavored cotton candy at a random theme park. Yes, I’ve been *patiently* waiting; nineteen years now if you’ve been counting. As much as I would wanna meet you, I sincerely feel that I’m not ready yet, and I thank you for not showing up This soon.

You see, I would wanna be someone that you know and know personally, like friends. There, its gonna be fair for the both of us for we will surely see beyond ‘just’ the outer shell of our beings; I wanna be myself when I’m with you and I would want you to feel that way too.

Then.

Eating would never be stressful for you will know that I eat like a construction worker and burp like an ogre. Sleeping won’t never be a problem for I’ll know how loud you snore or how can you draw a map on pillow cases courtesy of the dripping liquids from that mouth of yours.

That I would try my best and never complain when you want me to accompany you on your mountain climbing, sky diving, wake boarding, bungee jumping, parasailing or whatever sport there is that you might have. Or if you’re not into that extremes, we can just watch a movie and cry together when Jaime suffers from lukemia and how Carter did all that he can to assist her in completing her bucket list, be married, and have a walk to remember. And yeah, sure. We can laugh together at the adventures of Phineas and Ferb and how Perry will once again defeat Doofensmhirtz.

You’ll find me funny coz at this age I still like Miley; while, I’ll find you strange–you mixing up catsup and mayonaise with apple, banana and orange. You’ll teach me how to play Guitar Hero, bet with your friends, and win because of our tagteam. I would let you hang out with your friends too; you’ll be needing Boys Night Outs once in awhile. On the other hand, you’ll understand why I had to cancel our date because one of my girlfriends had her heart broken and she needs someone to console and comfort her.

I’ll learn how to love cooking coz you’ll hope that I can be an expert in preparing your mom’s and sister’s favorite dish. And you, you’ll always find time to treat my family and listen to my mom’s or brother’s stories and out-of-the-blue-whatever experiences.

We may never be the perfect couple for we will never be excused from the ups and downs of any normal relationship. We could fight over minor things. And yes, I can act childish and real immature sometimes and you can get tired of me. But with God as our center, we’ll figure how to work things out.

I pray and hope that we will be accountable to each other. Share each other’s struggles, problems, happiness and resolutions. That we will help each other to grow more in our relationship with Christ, family, friends, church and ministry. We will not be there to complete each other, rather, add up the cherry on top of each other’s cake. We will just live one day at a time, holding hands and hearts attached–each other’s better half. I’m praying and waiting for you and I feel that you’re doing the same way too. Nevertheless and just so you know My loyalty starts now. :) xx

Guilty Pleasure

Dear GB,

I will. If you will sing this song to me. Ha ha!

Marry Me – Train

Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I’ve had long enough with you
Forget the world now, we won’t let them see
But there’s one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way

Marry me today and every day
Marry me if I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will, say you will

Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I’ll wear out the words I love you
And you’re beautiful

Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way

Marry me today and every day
Marry me if I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will, say you will

Promise me you’ll always be happy by my side
I promise to sing to you when all the music dies

And marry me today and everyday
Marry me if I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will, say you will marry me