Little Kid With Big Emerald Eyes, Glowing Smile

So, there’s Doubt.


Now, even more hyped. Like he made two tablespoons of black coffee in three fourth’s cup of hot water and consume all of it in a minute. He is awake. He never gets tired of telling you how insanely wrong every decision you’ve made in the past four months or so.

At past 3:25 in the afternoon, he yells in your head of the many things you could’ve done if you didn’t jump into the cliff of your instinct. He gets a pen and a paper, he looks at you and with a wide smile on his face, he doodles a word in a Chalkduster font which read: Loser. He blabber an endless lists of You Could’ve, You Should’ve, You Would’ve. He sings you the song of I Told You, So’s.

He doesn’t stop. He never ought to. And slowly, you find yourself agreeing with all the things he’s been filling and molding your mind into. It breaks your heart. It crashes your soul. It pollutes your light with the kind of dark you’ve never seen before. His friends Frustration, Disappointment and Regret are cheering for him loudly, “Way to go Doubt! You got her good!”

And then, there’s a little kid who came out from nowhere and stood by your side as Mr. Giant Doubt and his Super Friends fills the air with roaring laughters, exchanging high five’s. This kid, she held your hands, touched your face and whispered in (what you thought) a non-whispering voice, “Hi, my name is Hope. It is so nice to see you again! Come with me!”

You are curled down on the floor, you lifted your face, trying to recognize this brave kid you’d seen somewhere. She continued, her smile glowing like her big emerald eyes, “You’ve got great potential. You can do so many beautiful things you haven’t realized just yet. I like that you step out of your boat into the dry land of I Don’t Know What Lies Ahead But I’ll Press On, No Matter. That’s what I call Rock, you’re a Rockstar! I believe in you so, so, so much. That’s three so‘s, you know what it means? It means, I believe in you SO much!”

“Hope, what are you doing here? You are not invited in this conversation, go away!” Doubt said, not wanting to lose his hold of you. “Get her out of here.” he continued. Ever so quick of a back-up, Frustration, Disappointment and Regret took the little kid by both arms, trying to drag her away from you yet they can’t let her move, Hope is so sticky and surprisingly strong. And so she held your hands tighter, “We got this,” she said, “everything will be alright. Patience is a string but when you hold on it tighter, it’ll be worth it. Promise. Come with me.”

You wanted to believe the kid but Doubt was persistent. He never gives up a fight. “You are such a waste,” he said, “believing Hope like it can save you in your misery. Wake up! You are a loser. You are born to be one. What makes you think you are worth more than that?”

It echoes inside your head like a broken symphony. You looked at Hope, desperately.

“You are worth more than what you think,” she answered the question in your mind, “losing is a part of life, like chaos and mistakes and brokenness, they are always there. Like you know, a package. But you are made for conquer and create and wonder (and sometimes, wander) and patience and beauty and all the good things. Come with me?” Hope, you thought, got a knowing smile.

You closed your eyes. Took a deep breath. Trying to measure your courage.

“Wait, what’s happening?” Doubt panicks.

“Let’s dive until the end of this cliff, together.” you finally broke off your silence, “and I know things will be crazier than ever before but… I’ll choose and I’ll keep on choosing to believe you, Hope.”

You opened your eyes and everything is too bright. Doubt and friends are now gone, much to your relief. There’s just the little kid with big emerald eyes, glowing smile and whispering in a non-whispering voice (this is not her forte, you thought), “I’ll always choose you, too!!! You know what always means? It means always, always, ALWAYS!!!”

You smiled a bright smile and told yourself, “Good thing Hope never whispers.”

Do Not Fear the Future, Thomas

I had been meaning to write something about how September greeted me with so many unexpected things in life since Day 1. But much to my chagrin, I wasn’t able to sit down face-to-face with this white blank page until today.

To summarize what’s the fuzz in my mind about: I am just overwhelmingly grateful of how the Big Guy favored me in the most unexpected time in my most unguarded moment.

If you ever heard about the disciple named Thomas, you might actually heard about me: the Doubter. I am a person who doubts a lot – mostly, the subject of all my doubts is myself. I got this very low regard with my capabilities as an individual; I tend to focus more on what I might fail to do or what I might actually done wrong to a perfect situation. I’ve come to learn that that’s not humility. Whenever we say, I can’t do this or I don’t know how to do that, we really are hindering all the possibilities where God can intervene in our lives. Sometimes, when doubt just pops out a big CAUTION: This might be dangerous for you, it is strongly suggested for you not to continue – we just freeze and we just want to stay where we are comfortable. Fear takes over. Doubt is eating up on Hope, every second that it counts.

Last month, I was really at the edge of my seat wanting to dive in my sea of worries. And I did so, because I lost heart like losing a battle I’m itching to win. That particular Friday, I became emotional, too emotional, that I cried to God to ask Him what does He want from me because I believe I gave it my all and all I wanted is some consolation – what about what I want, for a change? Selfish little brat that I am, I did ask that.

I wanted to explore a new field. I already proclaimed it with all conviction that I’ll be in one on September. And then doubt came in halfway August and I panicked. How can I possibly enter September with new beginnings if the company I’m applying for – the company which my mother told me to try – haven’t been in contact with me after two days? Spell #atat. LOL. (Now that I’m looking back, it was actually funny that I think they won’t ever consider getting me since they haven’t given me a text, call or email…and it was only two days passed!!!) That day, I seriously accepted the fact that they won’t ever regard me. See what our emotional hormones can do?

I was discussing all my drama to the Lord and just before I dwell deeper into the quicksand of paranoia and worry, a text message came in. Guess what the message was about? Yup, it’s God telling me, Why are you in such a hurry? Have you forgotten that everything is under my control? because the company already came in contact with me and told me that I am scheduled for an exam and interview the following week.

In that week, I finally surrendered all my doubts. I prayed to God that if the job really is for me, He’ll make way; if it’s not, I prayed that He’ll bless my heart whatever the decision may be. I will not elaborate point-per-point how everything unfold the way it did. All I know was, the Lord backed me up big time. Meaning, He approved of me getting it and so I did. Everything went smoothly by God’s grace! True enough, what I proclaimed September to be, it happened.

After getting the job, another set of doubt – actually, fear – came in. Since I’m getting myself in a new field, I’m fully aware that it’s different from what (some) people will expect from me. I’m afraid that they’ll judge me. Some of them – I saw through their actions and words – seemed to think through on my decision, assessing if I’m doing the right one. I know that they are just concerned, but that kind of quiet pressure, made me doubt my decision to explore this new field too. And I remembered that I prayed about this, the Lord gave His answers clear. I need not to worry.

You see, we all are in varying stages or phases in our lives where we are choosing what we want to be, where we want to be. To tell you honestly, I don’t know where I wanted to be and what I want to become, yet. If others are sure that they wanted to be teachers, accountants, doctors, writers, musicians, etcetera; all I wanted – as of this moment – was to be an explorer of life: to do things with my heart, to feel the world in my hands. I swear, I see nothing wrong with that. I think it’s beautiful to enjoy the voyage when you haven’t got a clue where you are headed. At least for me, that’s the case.

Although I fear the future, calculating if my decisions will benefit me in the long run, I have come to realize that I don’t have to, because the Lord has promised to be with me wherever I go.

And as for my Doubt,

Doubt was cool. Doubt was predictable. It broke my heart a lot less. But over time, that changed and I realized that all doubt really did was stifle truth. I am always grateful for that. There are big things out there for each of us. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just believe.

-Isabel Garcia

Take that! Lol

Instead of Fear, I’ll choose to Hope. Hope always lets you believe that you can fly and it has always been a liberating feeling touching the clouds.

There’s a lot to learn in this new expedition. I pray that the Lord will give me Courage to face the calmness of the sea, as well as its rages. For the now, let’s take heed of my September Moodboard (yes, it’s back!!!): Do Not Fear the Future :)

Do Not Fear the Future ver 1 037

Cactus! No, I mean Caucus. But for Now, eyes open!

Sorry for not writing in a lot lately. I had been busy doing nothing. And nothing is impossible, hence, I had been busy doing the impossible! Haha! I know, I can get a lot of sense sometimes. :) but no, I’m kinda was busy or was I just lazy? Either way, I’m back! And I’m here to talk about something I should have a few weeks ago…

A few weeks back, a friend of a friend of mine asked, in out of the blue, because-he-just-wanted-to-know moment (and what I think is an Avon commercial pegged question too): Kriselle, he said, anong pangarap mo [what is your dream]?.

I thought about it but I couldn’t – for the life of me – give a good answer; the one in which he could’ve said Wow. Nice dream. High-five!

My dilemma was (a) I always wanted to look smart when answering a simple question tell me about it, but, (b) should I give him a serious answer or not?; (c) we’re not quite ‘close’ and so I’m not ‘quite’ obliged to give a personal answer, right? And dreams are something of personal value and connection, ain’t it?; (d) a.k.a. the worst part – did I create choices b and c so that I can justify why I can’t answer such a simple question of my own dream? It’s like I’m back in sixth grade when Mrs. Hidalgo is asking her class to make an essay about What do I wanna be when I grow up? and the very exercise would take me five to ten sheets of yellow paper tossed around the trash bin within one hundred thirty seven minutes and twenty-three seconds before the clock strikes twelve.

Actually, the first thing that came to my mind when the question was asked was whatever God wants me to be or wherever God puts me to be. But then I thought, that’s showing my vulnerable side, so, I’m not gonna answer that. And besides, I don’t even know if his question was meant for career moves or love life or family relationships or life itself. What is your dream? is such a broad question with a million and one answer. It’s so general. It’s so… um, milky-way. It can fit a lot of galaxies and it would go on forever.

Until now, when I come to think of it, I still don’t know what my dream is or what my dreams are or do I even understand the word or do I really know my answer? What does dream mean? Is it like a vision? Or more of a purpose? Or if not, would they be able to connect same dots at the end of a pattern? It’s making me dizzy. I’m going crazy. I’m thinking of walking away. But no, I’m not walking away. I’m not leaving it afloat right here, in a limbo, unanswered. Because somewhere at some point along the cobwebs, I’ll have to face it all over again and it can whip my head with a baseball bat and that wouldn’t be fun the second time around. Ergo, I’m sitting down and have a face-to-face heart-to-heart talk with this thing right now.

So, what is my dream?

When I asked the friend of this friend of a friend of mine who asked the dream question: how will one person know his dream or what he wants (because I for one am having a hard time)? Then, he gave me this illustration. Btw, he mastered Communication Research (my College course) that’s why I think he gave me this conceptual-framework-answer.


Apparently, in this framework you got: what you want, what you are capable of doing (your skills) and what God wants you to do (your purpose). Now these will determine what your dream is or what you’re meant to do.

What I want?
I believe in every stages of your life, there would be times (many times) that you will have a variety of what you want. When I was a kid, my ultimate priority is to finish my studies. Then, I thought, after that I could think of what I want to do. But high school came and then you had to take this nationwide career guide exam to determine what would or could fit your interest or skills. I didn’t follow mine, though. My result was to be in Entrepreneurial course but I chose Mass Communication instead (because my result also showed me high scores on my vocabulary and reading comprehension). And besides, high school was the time when I wanted to be a newscaster when I grow up. I thought it’s quite cool and just smart.

When College came, I never intended to be in a Research course because I wanted to be in Broadcast Communication. I thought, when I get that course then I could really be trained up to be one good reporter. And so, I never got to be in a Broadcast course because the interviewer was enticing me to be in this Research course which was a fresh offering from the university I went in. Imagine, I went all the hours of waiting in the line, refusing to make a shortcut when you apply for this Research course, and with all those hours, you’ll just tell yourself Man, I should’ve grabbed this a little earlier to save me some time! Because after all the waiting, they would still prefer you to be in the Research course. And their basis? Your grades in English, Math and Science when you were in your senior high school. And the one question I asked that made me decide (aside from I don’t have a a lot of cards anymore) was, Is there a chance for me to be a newscaster if I enter this course? The interviewer said yes and told me some other more perks. Then I agreed.

My block in College was, and still is, a bright bunch. They are! I couldn’t think of anyone who is less than that. I am telling you. Anyways, in College, I learned a lot of things. But I can’t say that I am one little expert on Research even if that’s my course because I am not. But I got to do more of what I want when I’m in College than that when I’m in high school. College was a comfort zone. It’s fun. It was from this point when I got to be influenced on a lot of things. And this was also the point when I got to love the radio. Yes, I loved the radio so much that I wanted to be a disc-jock after or while I’m still in College.

Radio hit me hard in the core. I felt that DJ-ing is what I’m born to do or what I would love to do. And I mean it with all my heart and I think it was so. But I know that DJ-ing could only be a part-time job (and I would love to do it even for free) and so I got to think of other ways I could survive life after College. I thought that I got or should practice my course when I’m in the real world already because I sincerely know that that would make me happy. I wanted to be in a corporate world, be in marketing or advertising or media, as long as there is research involve (though am not quite good at it) is a good deal for me.

Soon after College ended, real world welcomes you with not much of a grace as you should expect it to be. And sometimes, what you wanted and had planned on doing won’t push through. That doesn’t mean though that you won’t like what will be offered to you. And now, after all these, what I really want now is to do my job, stretch my hands to people and be an agent of change and help in transforming the nation. I know I won’t be here, in my recent field, for long. I still dream to practice my course or to be in the corporate field. I still want that. But sometimes I don’t really know what I want anymore.

What are my skills?
Well, I know basic research. I got to experience doing Content Analysis for a thesis project and Audience Research for an internship requirement. I know how to use the computer – MS applications, Internet and all. Because I know how to blog, I can or I think I’m capable of managing websites. I know how to write – formal and informal. I am a good transcriptionist (this one I love doing, it’s very easy). And because of the work I’m in, I know how to organize and coordinate events, to facilitate, to do modules (Vella or Dialogue Education style), to manage a Facebook page (haha! Easy for any youth. But I’m having a hard time to have a mass reach of thousands and thousands.), to network, etcetera.

I think I am a creative writer, because some of my DGroup friends (who btw encourage me a lot on writing because of this blog: thank you so much to all of you!!! You’re making my heart happy when you read what I got to say on the world where we are all running a race. I love you all!) called me such. I do poems; though most of them are love poems. I got a good manner of speaking, I mean, I think I really have a potential to be a DJ! Haha! Maisingit lang. So please, radio stations, I know I failed in auditioning but you can train me and give me a try. I can accommodate for free! HAHA. Desperate? I am an eager learner and when I focus real hard, I can achieve what I wanted or more of what is expected of me.

So yeah, that’s about it. Or I could discover something more in the long run. And oh, I can ogre burp if that’s one good qualification. HAHA!

What’s my purpose?
Apart from Christ I am nothing. My ultimate purpose in life is to bring glory to His name. Now, I don’t know yet what, where and how He wanted to use me (because I’m not asking yet). All I know is that I needed to be faithful where I am now because I could use this on the time He appointed me to.

I know I should consult with Him about these things more often because I’m totally at lost when I don’t do (which probably the main reason why I don’t have any idea what I suppose to do yet since I am not talking with Him about these things). Sometimes, I’m afraid to know the answer. You know how sometimes your plans and His plans are different? And faith, faith is just about so important. We need to trust Him. I need to trust Him. And I feel that He wants me where I am now (even I don’t like it here sometimes) so I’m gonna stick with it. I got over an ounce of courage and a seed of faith and for now, that would be enough. I would let it grow, I would fill it up so that I could be strong as a bamboo when the winds starts blowing in.

Now, what is my dream?
I still don’t have an answer. I don’t have specific things to do yet. All I know is, wherever I am, I need to be present here. And although sometimes I am relaxed and at peace or sometimes I’m in paranoia and worry because I don’t know the answer to many of my questions, things will going to be fine.

Sometimes we wrestle with the answers to much that we consequently forget that it’s not about the answers. Not entirely. It’s about becoming and growing. It’s about courage, a search entering the unknown and embracing the wilderness. Most of all: it’s absolutely okay to be lost. We just have to trust that we will find our way. In time.

-Isabel Garcia

Maybe I’m lost and I don’t know what or where should my roads and cards go (yet). But being lost has its own beauty of being found. Even being in a maze makes it hard for you to go by, the maze will let you find an answer in the end. Continue to believe that everything will be worthwhile just as long as you keep on being faithful. Someone somewhere will catch you and will cause good things to chase after you. Trust. Listen. Hope. Learn to obey.

I think, I could get what I wanted to do when I find the joy of exploring and hanging on the things the Big Guy wants me to have and learn. I know I am being prepared. And I hope and pray that I would have all the more time to discuss these matters to Him as it is of importance to me. I hope He could use me and I’m gonna be a cheerful-wholehearted-child while at it.

As for now, there’s so much to learn and to try and to not succeed and to fail and to experience. There’ll be tough times of unanswered thoughts but I know the Big Guy will grant me / will grant you an eyes open to all the wonderful things He has in store for you, your family, your community, your place and your mission field.

At the most, we need to be present. :) eyes open and present. :)

I Agree. It’s Magic Beans.

I’ve always find comfort in being with group of friends or close relatives or just about other people. It makes you feel like you belong. It makes you feel like you’re not an outcast in a world where being alone is synonymous to uncool. Like everybody else, until today, I still, you know, want to be cool – to fit in and not to be out of place, to simply belong.

When I was growing up, I don’t know how can a person be happy when they have no one there with them – when walking in the streets, buying clothes at the mall, eating in a restaurant, etc. There’s no one to talk to, to laugh with, to sing with, to mess around with. How’s that? I mean, how could someone be in a state of cloud nine moments when on that? Aloneness, I thought, is not a negotiable-withstandable art of life.



Aloneness… turns out to be fine. And not just fine fine, but, it’s okay, it’s alright, it’s actually cool. Sooner or later you got to learn that the people you always expect to be there won’t always be there. Leaving is an integral part of life. Ending signifies a new beginning. I all the more appreciated alone time when the real world strikes up with a flash in my eyes. It made me realize that the wind won’t always turn the right way around, the waves do come and go, the day always ends in a night. And people, friends, or whoever else are also like that – once upon a time they are in your life and swoosh! and they’re gone. And you got to deal with it and it meant to be dealt more of your time alone.

But you see, the time you spent with yourself is your Me Time – you do something for yourself to escape the hustles and bustles of the busy construction road of life to take a most deserved rest to think things over, to mend a broken heart, to gather a lost self-esteem, to be weird and be disgusting, to just talk with your Master. Through aloneness, you listen more, you understand more, you observe more, you can eat more, you can write more, you can be yourself more.

Tonight, I’m on the eat and write more mode of my Me Time. And this Big N’ Tasty is some big help (which will let you end with a big ogre burp!). :)

Never ever be deceived that being alone is totally not cool. Because I tell you, it is. There is peace and freedom and independence in a new kind of level. It’s coolness in a whole new kind of level too. And besides, you got to learn more about yourself – what you hate, what you like, what annoys you, what angers you, what makes you fall in love. Aloneness gives you a special relationship you can have in this world: a relationship with yourself and eventually, a relationship with the most perfect Gentleman who always has your best interest at heart, and he’s name is Jesus. :)

When being with other people is like blowing dandelions in summer time, being alone is being able to see dandelions you blew when the weather isn’t perfectly fine. Interrelationship is just as important as your intrarelationship. So, find some time with yourself and you might just discover a whole new you you haven’t known for quite a while now. It’s true what Isabel said about being alone, it is, indeed, magic beans! :)

Things I love (learned to love or is still on the process of loving) to do when I’m alone:
•Going to the parlor and getting my nails and hair done.
•Dining somewhere I haven’t been before.
•Eating / drinking something I haven’t ate / drunk before (of course with exception of alcoholic beverages).
•Reading books.
•Writing entries for my blog(s) – napakafeeling writer lang!
•Traveling or commuting with John Mayer or Jason Mraz or Lifehouse or Switchfoot or whoever artists in my playlists playing on the background (this is my best Me Time!)
•People watching.
•Buying stuff for myself.
•Talking to myself or to the Big Guy.
•Doing things out of spontaneity.

What about you? What do you love doing when you’re alone?

Well, whatever it is, I hope you find joy in the stillness of just being with yourself. Life is somehow celebrated that way.

Why, Hello Disappointing Self

Writing this out of spontaneity, ergo, this – or just me writing this alone – won’t make sense (because I can’t deal with my senses every time).

One of the things I do for work is to release an article that the nation could pray for. I am not a very good writer (good thing someone edits it before it goes out) but at the very least of doing what I do, I learn. For April issue, I wasn’t able to submit the article for editing / releasing due to constraints of time – my handling of time. I know. I got to be alert next time.

So now, I’m gonna release what I tried to write here (just to satisfy my effort). Perks of having a blogsite.

The Divergent: North Korea

Like in any other country’s history, Korea was once invaded, influenced and fought over by its large neighbouring countries. Since the end of World War II, North and South Korea has been divided. Unlike South, North Korea (NoKor) remained a secretive society – an isolated country with which the people’s needs were not thoroughly met – yet sparked outrage with the rest of the nation because of its space programs and nuclear ambitions.

In its most recent nuclear-armed venture (April 16), NoKor rocket launched its widely-criticised plan to put a satellite into orbit that could impact Australia, Indonesia and the Philippines. The launch marked the centenary of the birth of state’s founder, Kim Il-Sung. UN countries insisted that the move of NoKor breached its agreement with the United States, under which it agreed to suspend its uranium enrichment programmes and missile test in return for US food aid. It also set off alarm bells across the Philippine region in which President Aquino called for US help to monitor the rocket.

The NoKor satellite launch that was hailed as moment of national pride ended in failure. The rocket flew for just a few minutes covering a little over 100km and disintegrated over the Yellow Sea, earning the North Koreans embarrassment as well as condemnation from a host of nations that deemed it a cover test of missile technology.

Despite the failure of its attempted missile launch, North Korea’s provocative action still threatens national security, violates international law and contravenes its own recent commitments to the United Nations Security Council.

Pray for…

  • Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s present leader; that, unlike his father and grandfather, he will no longer enforce any nuclear programs and ambitions of their country and focus on fulfilling the needs of their people instead.
  • United Nations Security Council; that it could protect the countries belonging in it from the countries that could only bring confusion, tension and conflict.
  • The Aquino administration; that it would continue to do what it needs to do to protect the country and its people from national and local threats.

Personality Focus

Voltaire Tuvera Gazmin

Secretary, Department of National Defense

Voltaire Gazmin is the 35th Secretary of the Department of National Defence, being appointed by the President on June 30, 2010.

Even at an early age, his performance was seen brilliant, serving as a young soldier and leading various intelligence unit of the Philippine Army. He became instrumental at the time when he was a part of the Presidential Security Group who defended the government of President Corazon Aquino from seven coup d’etat attempts during her regime.

The Secretary was one of the most honoured officers in the Philippine Army. In recognition to his outstanding military service, he was also made Ambassador of the Philippines to Cambodia from 2002 to 2004. His discipline and upright demeanour earned him the respect of his peers and his military co-officers.

Pray for…

  • The Secretary; that he would be given wisdom and knowledge on the decisions he should do and the things he might overlook which concerns the relationship of Philippines and other countries.
  • The military; that they would cooperate to the Department of National Defence in giving its best aid to protect the state from the countries that could threaten Philippine security.