Garbage Collection

There’ll come a time when you will not live up to the standards. You will disappoint people, you’ll be disappointed by people and you’ll get disappointed at yourself in full circle. You’ll feel a hole inside your chest and your emotions may get too intense that you will feel this hole getting bigger and bigger and you will carry an emotion that gets heavier and heavier. And you’ll realize that whatever it is that you fill in the hole will never be enough because it isn’t something that will ever satisfy your soul in the first place.

What is it about hurt that makes it hard for you to forgive? What is it about pride that makes it hard for you to utter a sorry? What is it about loneliness that makes it hard for you to find peace? What is it about darkness that makes it hard for you to see the light? What is it about questions that makes it hard for you to look for answers?

Sometimes you think that whatever you’re feeling at this very moment will never end. Sometimes you think that if by trying to write these feelings down, you will get to the point of understanding how you will get through this process. You never liked uncomfortable and uncontrollable process. You never liked darkness. You probably even think that this will never be included in the best moments to behold in your most precious life because this is painfully awful. You just wanna escape and wake up to a morning of normal where you have always been predictably happy; and not like this, being overly quiet, eating hurt and lingering to loneliness. This may be so bad. This may want you to cry and crawl up your body in a position where you don’t feel fragile.

***

I watched my brother took out the trash for the scheduled garbage collection at our street. We have two bins full of one week of household refuse. When he removed one of the trash bags, maggots were coming out of it and when he removed the other, a horrid smell travelled our nostrils. And I wonder, what are we filling our bins with? If we hold onto the hurt, the pride, the loneliness, the darkness and the questions, what will come out of us? Are we taking care of maggots? Are we carrying a horrid smell?

My brother thoroughly cleaned the trash bins after taking out the garbage. He washed it with running water, he got a handful of powdered soap and tossed it inside each receptacle and rewashed everything with running water. He took a little more than five minutes to clean the maggots-coming-out-of-a-horrid-smelling-one-week-of-discarded-matter trash bins. It felt like there was never something rotting in there, it was totally spotless.

***

You know the answers deep inside you. You have always known what to do. You just need to make a choice. Your decision might be leaning to humility, might be leaning to acceptance of wrongs, might be leaning to loving unconditionally.

How long are you planning to hold on to the maggots? When will you take out the trash?

All the rotten things must not be stored in your heart. You’ve seen how a week can do so much spoilage. However, if you think this is a phase you need to go through, then go through this. But please don’t cling onto this for too long. Don’t let the maggots eat your soul. You can always take out the trash.

And If It Matters

People make mistakes. You, me, everyone else in this planet are capable of making a mess out of everything that supposed to hold beauty, order and peace in it. We are creatures of the flesh; we are never spared by the vultures that haunt us in the deepest oceans of our core. We have the ability to break the bones of our fragile words, to leave a scar on someone’s bloodstream, to spread darkness in a room searching for its light. We are human. We are only human. Our voyage to lead a life that only knows Hope will encounter the wilderness of Lost. And I wanted you to know that these, all of these, are inevitable because we are living. Because we have life. Because we have choices. And there’ll be times of wrong choices. And there’ll be times of deranged resolutions. And there’ll be times of destructive break-frees. These, too, are expected because life is a many splendored crap-hole.

It doesn’t mean though that when you jumped into one wrong move, you’ll end up in the never ending cycle of cursed fate. It doesn’t mean that when you placed all your aces in the game of life, you have all the risk of blowing everything off. It doesn’t mean when you made something wrong, you lose the chances of making it right. It doesn’t mean the way you think when you’re thinking of all the awful lists of how you are not worthy of any redemption.

Please remember that Grace, Forgiveness and Love is what defines your soul. This, my friend, is your armor. We have been bought for a price for all our shortcomings and we have to be grateful for this. There is Someone who believed that we are worthy of redemption, of salvation. Although we are not capable of being perfect, being righteous, being holy – we are capable of living, of making choices, of facing the consequences of our choices. And this is your beauty: to live your own story. It might be ugly, it might be chaotic, it might be unpleasant at times but it is yours. You are the only one who can live your life for you. I encourage you to hurdle the storms and live it.

Emptiness and Brokenness are two faces of growth. They are friends with Hope – the gem that we are all holding onto. Trust the struggle. Trust the overcoming. Trust the potential of your story. And if it matters, I trust you with every fiber of faith I have. So please, trust yourself and this situation. Trust the Divine. Anchor all your energy into your armor.

There is beauty in every unwise decisions learned. There is completeness in every vulnerability. There is comfort in every honesty. There is redemption for you and me.

But the lives we lead are squishy shoes and the only way to get it right is to wear them well, not trade them in. (Isabel Garcia)

Live your story six hundred forty eight words per minute.

I Forgot to Write

I forgot the simplest things in life that made me start whatever you see in these blank pages of cyber space named under a corner I considered mine…

I forgot the essence of bleeding my own story and crafting it in such a way that would inspire me (or others ((hoping))) to walk along the dark hallways of this not-so-much-focused-on-happy-endings kind of life…

I forgot to accommodate Mr. Time when he sincerely wanted to collaborate with Words that kept bogging my mind…

I forgot to see. I forgot to hear. I forgot to feel. I think I had lost my senses when all I wanted to do two years back was to seek, listen and observe the universe, taste every rough crater and watch how it spark intense meteor showers in this world, in my world – the vast ocean of falling stars.

I forgot my purpose here.

I forgot to thirst for the things that would matter here; the things I placed my bets in starting Day One, the things that once made me decide what would / what could I be, the things I considered of prime principle. I forgot them.

I forgot to be inspired. I forgot to inspire. I forgot to write.

I forgot to write for someone who I always wanted to write about. I forgot to write for myself. I started to notice people and I started to want people to notice me back (which hardly happen). And I know that that’s where it hits – I wasn’t able to get back on my feet – the damage I made to my Muse.

Why do we keep on wanting something we think we want that we forget that all the things we need are already right there in front of us?

I created this blog as a space for me to vent out my whatevers in life. This is supposed to be something I enjoy doing for myself – that I don’t think of anybody else when I post what I had to say (whether it’s right or wrong or we differ in view) here. And I did. I really did enjoy.

Back then, my ears are spilling with courage telling me that expressing myself through an art form (aka Writing) could be a good way for me to find myself, to understand the depth of my being, to enrich a talent that I could use in bringing people to believe in a quiet whisper of hope.

And I don’t want to stop now just because I’m discouraged. I know that the Big Guy is always behind me to support the very desire of my heart which I can use for His glory.

I loved blogging. I loved that I dreamed of inspiring people through writing; giving words of assurance not only to myself, but to whoever lands on this page, that no matter how hard the waves of life could be, our boat will never sink as long as we are with our Captain. That no matter how discouraged we are now, we can still choose to see the light in the darkest of places; we can still be conquerors even we once feared to be in a battle; we can still go back to where we used to be, to what we used to do – even we sometimes forget, there is Hope telling us that we can still learn to remember.

Cactus! No, I mean Caucus. But for Now, eyes open!

Sorry for not writing in a lot lately. I had been busy doing nothing. And nothing is impossible, hence, I had been busy doing the impossible! Haha! I know, I can get a lot of sense sometimes. :) but no, I’m kinda was busy or was I just lazy? Either way, I’m back! And I’m here to talk about something I should have a few weeks ago…

A few weeks back, a friend of a friend of mine asked, in out of the blue, because-he-just-wanted-to-know moment (and what I think is an Avon commercial pegged question too): Kriselle, he said, anong pangarap mo [what is your dream]?.

I thought about it but I couldn’t – for the life of me – give a good answer; the one in which he could’ve said Wow. Nice dream. High-five!

My dilemma was (a) I always wanted to look smart when answering a simple question tell me about it, but, (b) should I give him a serious answer or not?; (c) we’re not quite ‘close’ and so I’m not ‘quite’ obliged to give a personal answer, right? And dreams are something of personal value and connection, ain’t it?; (d) a.k.a. the worst part – did I create choices b and c so that I can justify why I can’t answer such a simple question of my own dream? It’s like I’m back in sixth grade when Mrs. Hidalgo is asking her class to make an essay about What do I wanna be when I grow up? and the very exercise would take me five to ten sheets of yellow paper tossed around the trash bin within one hundred thirty seven minutes and twenty-three seconds before the clock strikes twelve.

Actually, the first thing that came to my mind when the question was asked was whatever God wants me to be or wherever God puts me to be. But then I thought, that’s showing my vulnerable side, so, I’m not gonna answer that. And besides, I don’t even know if his question was meant for career moves or love life or family relationships or life itself. What is your dream? is such a broad question with a million and one answer. It’s so general. It’s so… um, milky-way. It can fit a lot of galaxies and it would go on forever.

Until now, when I come to think of it, I still don’t know what my dream is or what my dreams are or do I even understand the word or do I really know my answer? What does dream mean? Is it like a vision? Or more of a purpose? Or if not, would they be able to connect same dots at the end of a pattern? It’s making me dizzy. I’m going crazy. I’m thinking of walking away. But no, I’m not walking away. I’m not leaving it afloat right here, in a limbo, unanswered. Because somewhere at some point along the cobwebs, I’ll have to face it all over again and it can whip my head with a baseball bat and that wouldn’t be fun the second time around. Ergo, I’m sitting down and have a face-to-face heart-to-heart talk with this thing right now.

So, what is my dream?

When I asked the friend of this friend of a friend of mine who asked the dream question: how will one person know his dream or what he wants (because I for one am having a hard time)? Then, he gave me this illustration. Btw, he mastered Communication Research (my College course) that’s why I think he gave me this conceptual-framework-answer.

20120730-091859.jpg

Apparently, in this framework you got: what you want, what you are capable of doing (your skills) and what God wants you to do (your purpose). Now these will determine what your dream is or what you’re meant to do.

What I want?
I believe in every stages of your life, there would be times (many times) that you will have a variety of what you want. When I was a kid, my ultimate priority is to finish my studies. Then, I thought, after that I could think of what I want to do. But high school came and then you had to take this nationwide career guide exam to determine what would or could fit your interest or skills. I didn’t follow mine, though. My result was to be in Entrepreneurial course but I chose Mass Communication instead (because my result also showed me high scores on my vocabulary and reading comprehension). And besides, high school was the time when I wanted to be a newscaster when I grow up. I thought it’s quite cool and just smart.

When College came, I never intended to be in a Research course because I wanted to be in Broadcast Communication. I thought, when I get that course then I could really be trained up to be one good reporter. And so, I never got to be in a Broadcast course because the interviewer was enticing me to be in this Research course which was a fresh offering from the university I went in. Imagine, I went all the hours of waiting in the line, refusing to make a shortcut when you apply for this Research course, and with all those hours, you’ll just tell yourself Man, I should’ve grabbed this a little earlier to save me some time! Because after all the waiting, they would still prefer you to be in the Research course. And their basis? Your grades in English, Math and Science when you were in your senior high school. And the one question I asked that made me decide (aside from I don’t have a a lot of cards anymore) was, Is there a chance for me to be a newscaster if I enter this course? The interviewer said yes and told me some other more perks. Then I agreed.

My block in College was, and still is, a bright bunch. They are! I couldn’t think of anyone who is less than that. I am telling you. Anyways, in College, I learned a lot of things. But I can’t say that I am one little expert on Research even if that’s my course because I am not. But I got to do more of what I want when I’m in College than that when I’m in high school. College was a comfort zone. It’s fun. It was from this point when I got to be influenced on a lot of things. And this was also the point when I got to love the radio. Yes, I loved the radio so much that I wanted to be a disc-jock after or while I’m still in College.

Radio hit me hard in the core. I felt that DJ-ing is what I’m born to do or what I would love to do. And I mean it with all my heart and I think it was so. But I know that DJ-ing could only be a part-time job (and I would love to do it even for free) and so I got to think of other ways I could survive life after College. I thought that I got or should practice my course when I’m in the real world already because I sincerely know that that would make me happy. I wanted to be in a corporate world, be in marketing or advertising or media, as long as there is research involve (though am not quite good at it) is a good deal for me.

Soon after College ended, real world welcomes you with not much of a grace as you should expect it to be. And sometimes, what you wanted and had planned on doing won’t push through. That doesn’t mean though that you won’t like what will be offered to you. And now, after all these, what I really want now is to do my job, stretch my hands to people and be an agent of change and help in transforming the nation. I know I won’t be here, in my recent field, for long. I still dream to practice my course or to be in the corporate field. I still want that. But sometimes I don’t really know what I want anymore.

What are my skills?
Well, I know basic research. I got to experience doing Content Analysis for a thesis project and Audience Research for an internship requirement. I know how to use the computer – MS applications, Internet and all. Because I know how to blog, I can or I think I’m capable of managing websites. I know how to write – formal and informal. I am a good transcriptionist (this one I love doing, it’s very easy). And because of the work I’m in, I know how to organize and coordinate events, to facilitate, to do modules (Vella or Dialogue Education style), to manage a Facebook page (haha! Easy for any youth. But I’m having a hard time to have a mass reach of thousands and thousands.), to network, etcetera.

I think I am a creative writer, because some of my DGroup friends (who btw encourage me a lot on writing because of this blog: thank you so much to all of you!!! You’re making my heart happy when you read what I got to say on the world where we are all running a race. I love you all!) called me such. I do poems; though most of them are love poems. I got a good manner of speaking, I mean, I think I really have a potential to be a DJ! Haha! Maisingit lang. So please, radio stations, I know I failed in auditioning but you can train me and give me a try. I can accommodate for free! HAHA. Desperate? I am an eager learner and when I focus real hard, I can achieve what I wanted or more of what is expected of me.

So yeah, that’s about it. Or I could discover something more in the long run. And oh, I can ogre burp if that’s one good qualification. HAHA!

What’s my purpose?
Apart from Christ I am nothing. My ultimate purpose in life is to bring glory to His name. Now, I don’t know yet what, where and how He wanted to use me (because I’m not asking yet). All I know is that I needed to be faithful where I am now because I could use this on the time He appointed me to.

I know I should consult with Him about these things more often because I’m totally at lost when I don’t do (which probably the main reason why I don’t have any idea what I suppose to do yet since I am not talking with Him about these things). Sometimes, I’m afraid to know the answer. You know how sometimes your plans and His plans are different? And faith, faith is just about so important. We need to trust Him. I need to trust Him. And I feel that He wants me where I am now (even I don’t like it here sometimes) so I’m gonna stick with it. I got over an ounce of courage and a seed of faith and for now, that would be enough. I would let it grow, I would fill it up so that I could be strong as a bamboo when the winds starts blowing in.

Now, what is my dream?
I still don’t have an answer. I don’t have specific things to do yet. All I know is, wherever I am, I need to be present here. And although sometimes I am relaxed and at peace or sometimes I’m in paranoia and worry because I don’t know the answer to many of my questions, things will going to be fine.

Sometimes we wrestle with the answers to much that we consequently forget that it’s not about the answers. Not entirely. It’s about becoming and growing. It’s about courage, a search entering the unknown and embracing the wilderness. Most of all: it’s absolutely okay to be lost. We just have to trust that we will find our way. In time.

-Isabel Garcia

Maybe I’m lost and I don’t know what or where should my roads and cards go (yet). But being lost has its own beauty of being found. Even being in a maze makes it hard for you to go by, the maze will let you find an answer in the end. Continue to believe that everything will be worthwhile just as long as you keep on being faithful. Someone somewhere will catch you and will cause good things to chase after you. Trust. Listen. Hope. Learn to obey.

I think, I could get what I wanted to do when I find the joy of exploring and hanging on the things the Big Guy wants me to have and learn. I know I am being prepared. And I hope and pray that I would have all the more time to discuss these matters to Him as it is of importance to me. I hope He could use me and I’m gonna be a cheerful-wholehearted-child while at it.

As for now, there’s so much to learn and to try and to not succeed and to fail and to experience. There’ll be tough times of unanswered thoughts but I know the Big Guy will grant me / will grant you an eyes open to all the wonderful things He has in store for you, your family, your community, your place and your mission field.

At the most, we need to be present. :) eyes open and present. :)

Seek and Find

When I promised to be back on hardcore blogging this March, I kinda did otherwise. Well, for my regular readers–fore mostly, my bestfriend or my buddy (although I’m not pretty sure about this one)–I apologize for late updates on posting. This is me, acting like I got real readers here, YET AGAIN. Why? It’s fun that way! :)

So yeah, how have you been?

As for me, one of the reasons I’ve been out from blogging was because of my mom who happens to enjoy Viktor (my iPod) and the Blitz game which makes harder for me to mobile-blog na lang undisciplined time for things I need to do, to prioritize and to finish. The same struggle I’ve been facing before; just look at my posts down past this article.

I can’t really write when my soul is not in line with my mind which could translate in abandoning some of the things I do which requires emotion. And yes, writing-slash-blogging is a part of it for the reason that when I do write, I write as me–no facade, no disguise. Although photoblogging is a different thing, hence, my Tumblr is super up and kicking happy bones. :) I kinda left my sketching-slash-doodling for a while also because I drained my unipin pen, the one I’m using for sketchi of my instability.

And all these instabilities, emptiness, confusions, depressions and frustrations will have their farewell party tonight for by the grace and power of my good Lord, my strength will be renewed! I need to do what Paul did; I need to buffet my body starting tomorrow so that the things I should do I will do and the things I shouldn’t be doing I’d stop doing so. I declare guidance, discipline and focus as I put my head on this journey. I’ll be needing you too, a lot of prayers from you will be of big help, so I need them again, okay?

Somebody once said, for an action to become a habit, you have to do it everyday for the next twenty-one days. However, to be able to arrive at a certain action, you need to renew your mind. By renewing your mind, it means you have to break from everything you habitually thought of doing; you need to reconstruct. I need to reconstruct.

By the end of the twenty-one days, my objectives are the following:

  • To do quiet time (QT) everyday at dawn.
  • To meditate on what I’ve learned from QT before going to bed.
  • Finish all my pending tasks–whether at work or at home or for myself.
  • Go to bed early and wake-up early.
  • Exercise and eat right (meaning, consuming right amount of food only)–this one’s kinda hard ah!
  • To get an accountability partner who would monitor me.
  • Complete attending Global Leadership Center (GLC) Level 1
  • Find new D-Group (that’s because my group from the old one went out of the country and I’m too young to belong to their group; so now, I need to find one that would suit me)
  • Give excellence at work
  • Revive the simplest, but fun, things I enjoy doing (writing poems, learning the guitars, finding something recreational stuff to do, doing doodles, people-watching, blog-stalking, etc)

Ain’t I too ambitious to list all these things? I think not. Nothing is impossible with the Big Guy plus hard work on my part. That’s why I need prayers, and you dear reader ought to give me some, okay? :) I pledge also to post updates on the blog regarding my quest for the best at least twice a week. :)

With this, I offer you my March Moodboard: Seek and Find.

For those who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing in their lives. Let’s focus our eyes on the real price and be mesmerized on the miracle that He will do in and through us. Cheers! :)

A Conversation with God

I found this article posted in the office news board, I found it worth-sharing, so here. :)

Me: God can I ask you a question?

God: Sure.

Me: Promise You won’t get mad?

God: I promise.

Me: Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late.

God: Yes.

Me: My car took forever to start.

God: Okay.

Me: At lunch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait.

God: Hmmmmm.

Me: On my way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call.

God: All right.

Me: And to top it all off, when I got home I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax. BUT, it wouldn’t work! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me: (humbled) OH.

God: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver in your route that would have hit if you we re on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich to day was sick and I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work.

Me: (embarrassed) Okay.

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me: (softly) I see, God.

God: Oh, and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m sorry, God.

God: Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust Me–in all things, good and bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don’t doubt that My plan for your day is always better than your plan

Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you, God, thank You for everything today.

God: You’re welcome, child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after My children.

…is what I truly need to have right now and each and everyday.

These past few days, as you may know, I’m having quite a hard time with myself. I got a lot of questions left unanswered, words left unsaid and things left to do, then. I still do, though, I’m better off a bit now. Later on I realized, I haven’t had my one-on-one talks and date with my Dad since the last week of the last month. :( Sad, I know, and it made me empty.

The only thing that would fill and complete me is when I come to His presence humbly and honestly. And I wouldn’t want to delay myself on that because as the days drag on and I don’t take heed on His words, it keeps making me weak. It’s like whatever I do, it holds no importance.

Yes.

So, thank you for praying for me. God is always at work and is starting with my heart and soul. I just need to push myself a lot more and then, everything will be fine again.

Please pray for me some more, okay? :)

P.S.: I’ll be back on hardcore blogging this March. See you all again sooooon!!!

And oh, before I forgot. Here is my moodboard for the month of February.

Go. Be You.

xoxo,

Ninsy

Backbeat.

Hello dear blog! I missed writing random thoughts and feelings and whatever else I got to say in my mind. I’m kinda got it stuck these past few days.

I’m having an emotional-slash-mental battle still going on, you see. I have this major decision to do and I’m competing with myself—something’s terribly wrong is happening with me right now. It’s hard to explain, though. And, I dunno what to do, really. Well I know but I don’t know. I guess one’s self is the hardest opponent of all. Since I’m emotionally unwell, I cannot give full focus on writing/blogging/whatever else I’m doing; hence, the blog hiatus. There’s a lot of tension and drama going inside me.

With all of that being said, I’m requesting for all of you to pray for me a littl lot more. If you could please include me, I would be really grateful.

I don’t know how long I’d be like this (pero sana it ends soon na) but I’m gonna try to be more positive and do the usual things I’m doing in this blog. I’m hoping you’ll help me to cheer up myself quite more.

Dear Self, please do what you need to do; do it ASAP and please, choose wisely.

Anyhoooz, from this point forward, I’ll try to get back to my blog duties. Everything will be alright.

*and this is the part where I should insert a smiling face*

Here you go. Cheers. :)