Bigger Waves, Stronger Current, Colder Water

The problem with me is I got a lot of excuses. There are so many things that I would like to do and so many things that I would like to be. I would get really inspired and motivated one day and then lose all of it in a week or two. I always liked the word begin and start over because that’s the only thing I’m good at. You know how process is in the middle of all our beginnings and endings? And I suck at the process, I really am miserable. I probably mastered the art of inconsistency in being religious to the process.

I’ve been giving excuses too many times in my life that I got numbed in delivering a mediocre self. I feel like I got so much potential and it’s not coming out because I am either too lazy or too complacent or too comfortable. Actually, I’m a combination of all of the above. Haha this confession hurts my pride, ah. When someone (i.e. myself) delivers more excuse than the work, it’s hard to get anything done.

To be honest, when I was younger, I was full of dreams / goals / plans / ambitions / what-have-you. Lately when I’m thinking of my goal, I cannot resolve the fact that I am lost or that I simply lost sight of the goal I once had.

Long before, our younger selves dared to jump off a boat into an ocean of the unknown. We drowned a little, yes, but we managed to learn to swim. Then, we get so good in swimming this unknown ocean and it became a familiar water; our then-Courage Zone became a Comfort Zone. This happens as we dance through life, we get to collect a lot of Comfort Zones. The challenge is to continue to find places where there’s an opportunity to thrive into unfamiliarity. There are still a lot of oceans to swim on — bigger waves, stronger current, colder water. We got to explore new oceans, we got to unearth the brave younger selves that we are.

I’m twenty-five now and there are moments when I feel worthless because I keep failing. I keep writing about failure and then another failure and then another one; my goodness, it’s endless, when will I succeed? HAHAwhyyy lol. I’m getting tired of myself sometimes because I’m stuck at the beginning. It’s like I’m beginning forever (!!!) haha, who does that? #ME Somewhere in the middle of that, I will miss a shot, then later on I’ll give up just because I missed a shot. I spent longer times thinking of what I missed and I’m stuck with it, I can’t seem to move forward.

I get paralyzed in my own thoughts until I manage to let in a number of excuses:

  • I don’t have the skill
  • I’m not good enough
  • I don’t have the time
  • I don’t have the resources
  • I’m not smart
  • I made a mistake
  • I never finish anyway

So on, so forth…

Excuses are means of embracing the current comfortable state we are in. Grown-ups, they say, are quite jaded and easily gives up. However, real growth means taking on the full responsibility and consequences of our decisions: the good ones and the bad. We cannot grow tired of helping ourselves to get back up on our feet. We are our own excuse. We are our own limit.

I’m cringing at the thought that I am here again, confronting my failed attempt in becoming a better version of who I was, and pledging to carry through the Courage Zone no matter how ugly my current process is.

You notice we mess up so badly? That’s because humans are complex beings. When we are given a direction to go straight, we will always find a way to detour. We simply can’t follow as we are told. We are stubborn and we almost always wanted to learn from personal experience.

I am lost right now but I have an urge to craft my goals again (and believe that I’ll achieve them). In other words, I will start over. When I was thinking about these things the past few weeks, I really felt that it was only me who feel this way, that other people had already figured their life out. But when I talk to some friends, I get shocked because it’s like they’re going through the same dilemma that I’m going through. And it’s not that misery loves company, it’s just a reminder that we all go through same seasons of confusion. I mean, sometimes we think it’s just us who experience such and such, but then it’s not. It maybe the Lord’s way of making us accountable to another human. It maybe an opportunity to encourage another soul.

We all wanted to end well. I wanted to finish strong. Maybe the beginnings that we take are chances to make everything right. We are given countless beginnings. Maybe the failures that we experience are lessons to polish our diamonds. We are like gems that needed sharpening. Maybe the endings that we sought after are by-products of our beginnings and failures and it’s not always gonna go the way we plan. Some of our endings will be awful and some will turn out great. Maybe accepting sour endings is one ocean we will always struggle to swim into. And when there’s a struggle, there’s a huge room for growth, a big leap back into the Courage Zone!

We have to set sail, thread new oceans, and build that confidence to dive into peculiar waters.

***

With that, I just wanted to announce that this will be my last post in this blog. It took me sometime but I am now ready to abandon this ship. I will still be writing but it will all be under this blogsite. It’s currently under renovation but that will be my new home. Big chunk of my learning is because of everything that I wrote in this space; I’m all jej before but I grew and became more jeje-ier lolsz. I will not erase this blog, though, because it has been a big part of the brave me. It’s been wonderful, and if you’re a kind reader of mine, stay tuned for the new blog that’s coming. Keep smiling, I’ll see you around!

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Begin Again

The hardest thing is to scribble your way to the starting line.

Beginnings have always been the most difficult for me. When trying to write something, I go around my head to find the right words that could fit to what my feelings has to say. And it takes me a while to unearth the syllables. When making art, I face a gazillion of thoughts on how ugly my outputs will be like because I’m not “that good” at making art yet. And it takes me pockets full of courage to just keep doing art anyway. When going to the gym, I fight the urge of staying longer in bed to get some more sleep but well, there are still times that I do give in to zzzz. And it takes me two consistent coaches to get me inspired (#awww #niñawins) to pick up from where I left off the other day and continue the grind.

Beginnings are the struggle. And dear friends, the struggle is real.

How many times have we encountered endings in this lifetime? How many times have we been promised of beginnings after endings? It’s constant. Life’s a cycle.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

-Closing Time, Semisonic

Whether we end well or not, we are given a chance to begin again. And It’s gonna require all of our strength to apologize to this fallen world because we are refusing to sink. And as much as we are hesitant of new beginnings sometimes, we are going to grab it every chance we get. No matter how damn hard the beginning process will look like. No matter how damn hard the toil and endurance it will take us. We are going to begin again. And again. And again. Like a Phoenix.

But before one continues on to the next round of life, one must fully embrace their scars from their past battle: acceptance of things we did and cannot change, forgiveness from the hurt other people caused us and the ones we caused ourselves, and heart to keep on loving all the beauty that is us. The heart to keep on believing us.

We are not always sure if we are doing Life the right way it should be. We won’t figure it out in an instant, either. We will face a lot of confusing and trying times as we go along. Maybe the whole point of Beginning is the learning that it offers. Because imagine if we were able to walk right away after we came out of our mothers’ wombs, then we would not experience the disappointment of falling on our scraped knees like kids do. See, Falling is an absolute reality. Maybe Beginnings are meant for us to learn from falling and failures and growing stronger amidst both. Maybe Beginnings are meant for us to ride the experience of feeling unsure, of committing mistakes, of repeating mistakes, of ending the mistakes.

When I made up my mind to dedicate a part of who I am into writing and making art, I exposed myself to rare beginnings and thousand failures. And my failing continues every single time I begin because I thought there’s always something to improve on. But whenever I look back to my younger self, I recognize her as someone who took the risk and I loved her for doing so. Because even that young one failed many times, her heart is full of fresh beginnings that one day – and I’m very sure of this – will end in the most amazing way possible.

Begin. Even when the now is bleak.
Begin. Even when the future is uncertain.
Begin. Even when every molecule of your human soul begs you to stop.
Just begin. Take risks. Show up.

As with everything in life, we decide to begin and we decide when to begin. We begin when we’re ready. I hope we’ll always be.