Take it in. Let it out.

So, this is what it feels like. Do you feel it — your heart that’s full of questions, frustrations, anger?

You keep on believing that everything’s fine; trying to navigate the stillness on the surface while everything’s boiling under. Wake up! You are far from fine! It’s time for you to feel it. Accept it. Embrace it. Listen to your body just for once.

I’m not here to judge you. Please don’t fear to be judged by people. Stop acting like you got everything under control because, clearly, you don’t. And you have to understand, it’s okay.

I know you don’t want to hear these things. All you wanna hear is how everything happens for a reason and that there’s always a rainbow after the rain. Yes, this shit happens for a reason. And yes, rainbows do appear after the rain. But, don’t fast forward things. You are in the middle of this shit. You are drenched in the rain. So, why don’t you find yourself where you are?

You are here. In the core. This is pain. This is madness. This is where you find yourself on the floor — weak, tired, confused.

Breathe.

Today, you breathe. Today, you recognize.

You always have to recognize where you are. In that way, you can clean yourself off from the bruise you’ve got from the fall. In that way, you can process what’s really going on in your head before you say things you might regret saying when you’re mad. In that way, you can comfort yourself no matter how cold you pressed your hands to your heart. Trust me, the beating of it will produce the heat and will make you warm.

Breathe. In that way, you can let go. You recognize, and then, you move on.

Oh shut up. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you’re here.

The Return to Green, I Wrote This For You

Live High

Lately, things keep blowing in front of our face. Reality is stinging every corner of our minds. We thought we know how the world works like the back of our hands, but, do we really?

Everything is fast-phased. It’s like we’re all in a bullet train. All we know is evolving in a snap — technology, communication, relationships, culture, faith. How do we define choices? What constitutes our beliefs? What do freedom and equality really mean? Why are we keep on accepting the behavior that this world keeps on imposing unto us? Is it absolutely okay to tolerate ideologies just so we can say we are accommodating to everyone’s perspectives? Who’s to say who’s right and who’s wrong? Why are there so many questions and why can’t we find an answer?

There’s something wrong in our world today; there’s something terribly wrong that’s happening. And I cannot, for the life of me, understand how will I properly respond to this. I never wanted to cast judgment on the way people deal with their life choices because I am never worthy to do so; I am a messed-up person myself. But it seems like this world is telling us that everything is okay as long as you’re happy and you’re true to yourself. What kinds of standard are we living in today? It pains me to see the picture that we are all living for the sake of ourselves — for our own rights, for our own happiness. We are nearly living in a Love-Only-Yourself kind of World, a Selfie (selfish) Generation. It’s all about us now, isn’t it — what we want, we should get.

Really?

Is that all there is to live? For people to know how great we are? How amazing our talents are and the things we do? How we can bend the rules and break them just for us to do the things we want to do?

Really? That’s life? That’s what we call living to the fullest?

NO. There’s more to life than just us. There’s more to life than all these — pleasures of the world we believe we must possess.

I want you to know that Happiness is different from Joy. Doing what we are ought to do will always be worthy than doing what we want to do. And that our choice is always important. Please don’t be deceived that you don’t have any control as to what and how you are going to feel; it’s not true. Saying that you don’t have a choice is like you not owning up to any consequences of your actions. Be man enough! Stand by your choices! I can only hope that you are choosing the right ones. But if you find yourself stuck in a mistake, you can always get out. Please choose to get out.

This world is ever-changing. This world could easily die to the standards that we people regard as virtue back then. But that doesn’t mean we should die with the world. We believe in God, right? He gave us an example to follow. And yet the freedom to choose what we do with our lives is in our hands.

Live high. Live mighty. Live righteously.

 

Dear Batch 2013

This day, two years ago, marked the day when I went to school not to get to the last day of our class nor to enroll for our next semester.

Two years ago, this day was a Saturday. The weather was so warm and refreshing. The sun shines its rays proudly like a five year old kid in a playground who finally took all his courage to try out the longest slide of his life. Even there’s no Spring season in our country, it felt like the flowers are blooming everywhere and the trees keep swaying its leaves nonstop as if congratulating all of us who made it to our final step in College. Because, yes, Friday of May 6th two years ago was the day we graduated from the most intensive ride of our lives. We closed a chapter and were about to enter a new one.

The reason why we had gone  to school together that particular Saturday morning was to return our grad caps and  gowns and to bid adieu to each other since we won’t see each other the way we did for the past four years. There were mixed emotions as we reminisce what we had done together — the happy, sad, not so nice (but mostly, fun) memories. *introtheFRIENDSsongherelol*  

To Batch 2013:

I hope you learned to value the friends you’ve made in the academe: your barkadas, your juniors, some of your professors, but most especially, your blockmates. I hope you know how each one of them served as your backbone back in the trouble and happy times of being a student. Even there are “tampo” moments,overall, those were a great bunch of people who intruded and invaded your life. Always always be grateful for them, always be grateful for Friends. :)

Now I know you have a lot of dreams enlisted down and lined up after all of these, I had a lot of dreams and plans lined up too back then. I was excited to fulfill every single thing I had in mind ever since I was fourteen — from the work I wanna pursue and succeed in, to the things I’ll give for my mother and brother (and my own family in the future) etc, etc. All I know is I needed a lot of patience, hard work and prayer for these to materialize. Idealism is my game. 

I hope you know that even the real world will scare the heck out of you once you finally walked in that new curtain, please remain ideal. Sometimes this shattered world will make you believe in something good where you can settle. I hope you remember, good is the enemy of best, of the better plans our Lord has for you. Please don’t settle. Don’t quiet your dreams even if this world tells you that it has always been impossible. Trust in Someone who knows the desires of your heart, He did not put it there for naught, but learn to discern which to prioritize.

I still kept my dreams in my heart even when God showed me the path I should take in between those two years after I graduated. It was an uneasy choice because I got pushed out of my comfort zone. It was not something I expected at all. I hope when the Lord leads you to something or somewhere, your ears will be willing to listen that it would translate it in your heart to follow even if it’s not comfortable. It is not easy to follow, but trust me, it’s all going to be worth it. Not everything we wanted is what we needed at the moment, when you learn to let go and surrender, you might stand and find yourself where you should be in the first place.

No matter where your Somewhere is, always hold on to that Someone (capital S) who’ll light the way where you should go. The world can be blinding, it will show you the pleasures that you can do with your life any moment now, it’s always best to be guided.

One of these days, months, or year, you’ll think that you are not doing any valuable thing in your life (or the mankind) because you haven’t achieved what you intricately planned  before. That, or, you are now confused which career you should really pursue because you now don’t have an idea of what you really want. I hope you know that it’s okay. We are also in that stage. A year or two after College is never a measurement of your success in life. Success is defined in so varied ways and I just hope the way you define “success” won’t always be about having lots of money because it is NOT.

While you are (we are) in the stage of not knowing which roads to take, move on to life one step at a time. Gather all the skills you may need, fail a lot, make mistakes, work wholeheartedly — one day, as your experience get richer, you’ll have the determination to be somewhere and you’ll get there. Just have a little faith, kid. Life takes time.

And finally, be brave. There will be bad days where your age and your supposed-to-be “maturity” will take a toll on you and will, sometimes, discourage you. You can mope around and stay in the mud, but I suggest, get up and do things with your hands and feel better.

If you do (work hard), if you stay positive, you have a shot at the silver-lining.

-The Silver Linings Playbook-

Live your life accordingly. Do not neglect the simple things as meeting with old friends and taking a break (you’ll need a lot of those, trust me). Let loose and don’t be too serious, or at least, try to balance. Discover what you will do in the wilderness because all I’ve told you are thoughts in the air, you can choose what to do. I encourage you to make the best choices.

You’re about to take over something big, I pray all the best for your endeavors. And even you look back after a year or two, let me tell you that the learning never stops. Find your Great Perhaps. You are created for something more! :)

Life is such a Bully.

It does not care whether you’re hurt after you fell off climbing the tree you’ve always wanted to pick your favorite fruit from; it will still let the bees find you and sting you until you recognize Pain and think as if it can kill you. The Pain that will make you want to curse because you feel betrayed. The Pain that pierces through the heart, so hard, like a bullet hitting the glass window and leaving it shattered and useless. The Pain that will convince you that tears are made of seawater because it taste like salt. The Pain that no matter wherever you go or whatever you do, will haunt you, like a nightmare washing away the rainbows in all of your good dreams – sudden and cruel.

Why does it have to be like that? Why do you even feel such things as Pain or Sadness or Anger? Why does it always have to be like your heart is taken out from your chest and placed in front of your face just for you to find out that your blood do really smell like a rusty roof in an abandoned building?  Why does reality even bother you when you’ve blasted out Silence in its full volume from your headphones? And finally, why do bad days exist?

Somebody once said: Life is 90% of what happens to us and 10% of how we react on it.

My theory is about moments – moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of completely high intensity that could turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are.

(Leo, The Vow)

Not every moment is a high-intensity-kind-of-moment; some, like having Bad Days and questioning Life about its existent, is one kind of moment. This is where Life gets a little bit sh*tty when you don’t have the patience to endure all its crap. This is where it slap you in the face even you felt that you’re the last person on earth who deserved to be treated in an awful way. This is where it declares war against everything you got under your control. This is where everything happens; this is where it shows you the possibility that whatever you got going on can be twisted like a broken symphony. After Life had rained its 90% under This Is What I Want To Give You Today Department, it will hand you your 10% to choose whether to sigh, to cry, to breakdown, to be angry, to feel pain, to dwell with sadness, to decide whichever way you want…to just do something about it. Your 10% shot at life could really end up defining who you are – after all, you are defined by your choices.

In my 21 years on Earth, I still get dumbfounded when bad days came lounging around the corridors of my already-disturbed-mind and my already-intolerant-of-pain-heart. I, often times, waste my 10% when Life gives me its hardcore 90. I think Crisis Management (when it comes to my life and the way I handle it in trials) would still be included in my I Got To Work On These Things List. It is never easy, my friend. Never. Easy.

Bad Days + Pain + Confusion + Whatever Life Throws At You = An opportunity for you/us to depend on Someone that could carry the heaviest burdens we could ever have on our shoulders. That although Life makes us look back on the choices on where we got it wrong, Someone can make all those choices turn out for something good and better, it would be a way to strengthen and build our character. There is that Someone, capital S, who will be in our rescue. He will never, ever, ever leave us hanging at the edge of a cliff without a skosh of hope that we can return back into the Safe. It’s just that, sometimes, it takes Him to break us so He could remold us into the kind of person He wants us to be. I believe, we ought to trust that, we ought to trust Him.

What to do with Life when it comes punching you to the stomach? Do as John Green says, feel the pain. Feel every muscle that contract and sore with that hard hitting punch that could also remind your lungs how it liked the taste of air. Feel the pain because it demands to be felt. Feel the bad days when it surprise you on a supposedly calm Monday morning. Feel Life in all its glorious sense of bullying.

Feel everything. Believe in Someone. Do something.

P.S. I don’t really think that this is a good post to say that Hey, I’m back! Haha! Anyhoo, yeah, I’m back on blogging. More of happy kwentos on some other days soon. :)

The Thought of You Always Leads to a Haircut

You are the little girl in nursery class who threw my metallic bag that spilled my baby cologne down the trash bin when we were four years old. You even lied about it like the way you did when our teacher asked who among the class correctly pronounced the word “Christmas” to which us kids won’t really get the first time but I have, unawarely, read out loud.

You are the sixth grade classmate who laughed at me because I can’t get the right spelling of a Tagalog word in the class competition that made our team placed last because of my participation. When I sat down my table, you even asked me why did I had such a hard time spelling out the easiest word given among team representatives.

You are the insubordinate group member in the Noli Me Tangere play who refused to follow whatever, I, as a leader said about rehearsing the lines. You just go ahead and excuse yourself every now and then to take a break without my permission. You are the eyes that despised my presence and the lips that said nasty things about me.

You are the guy with different set of friends apart from mine but get along with me and my music really really fine. We even got a special bond which always reminds me of the guy in the hallway from Sophomore year who I invested quite a lot of live wire of emotional hormones. It was, it will never be, neither you or him, for me.

You are the middle-aged woman who was not convinced with my smile and thought that my face always looks like frowning which made me look more than my age. You repeatedly said that and I started to believe it.

You are the so many things that discouraged, bruised and pushed people down. You are the fearful and the lover of doubt who masters worry like her second language. You are the loser, the defeated, the abandoned.

Even out of all these, let’s not forget that you are also the kid who stayed strong after finding her bag and baby cologne in the dump – picking it up and going back to class like nothing happened.

You are outraging courage who managed to look at things on the brighter side of, not only situations, but of each and every person you meet. You are forgiveness and five gallons of understanding even it’s a darn hard thing to do. You are believer, fighter, hope-bearer. You are proof that in any lose-some moments, you are the star in the starting over. And you’ll do it again and again and again. You are candle lit in the darkness and made everyone see. You are a combination of the hurt knocking from the past and the joy pushing you to continue the journey called life.

You are all these. And when I think of you, I know it is just about the right time to stroll down the parlor to give my messy uncombed hair…

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(Or maybe not so much of a messy hair) its most deserved break.

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It’s what I got to do to remember that I can breathe, rest and take time. It’s a reminder that someday, someday, I can embrace Change with fervent passion and excitement. :)

Mister Green Eyes

You know I hate it
I hate it when I still feel these feelings for you
I hate it when I still long for something that ain’t coming true
I don’t wanna settle, but I guess I have to

When I dreamt of you misty Sunday morning
It was the joy of your presence that kept me from waking
You got those mystery behind your eyes
A mystery that even I wasn’t able to comprehend to

All I know is what I felt –
The sweetest peck on the cheek and the warmest embrace
A dint of nostalgia on its way out from yesterday
A hunger for those same moments is searching for me at my own race

Seeing you today, though, made me bitterly envious
How I wish I was the one whom you rescued
I always wanted you to be my knight, remember?
I guess it always slipped right out of you

Just for this time, just for once –
I hate it when I just write something for you
When I know you won’t care
I still write how I always fall for you

Promise, this would be the last time that I’ll ever do
Because I hate it.
I hate me.
I hate you.

~I don’t know if this could be considered a poem. I consider this to be a heart – confused, broken (for the nth time), vulnerable. It’s that kind of heart. It’s that but it’s invincible.

P.S. when I wrote this, it’s an impromptu writing; hence, not too much on word play but a show of pure feelings. #SayWhuut

Anecdotes on the Other Side of the Ocean

Growing up. Mr. Webster defines it as a verb, an action word, which means to grow toward or arrive at full stature or physical or mental maturity. I, on the other, see this as an event of twist and turns, ups and downs, acceptance and rejection, fear and courage, doubt and faith.

You see, life is but a hard road to travel. It is so hard that it could just caught you off guard and knock you out of your balance. The path will never be easy but I believe that’s where the beauty lies. We go through its courses that sharpens our perspective, understanding, character and attitude. These courses often require us to embrace change, to embrace growth from and within ourselves. But this, however, is my dilemma at twenty years old.

I can’t process, I can’t grasp this whole idea of growing up, although I know it’s gonna be beautiful. It’s not that I can’t, really, it’s more of I just don’t want to yet. I really don’t want it just yet. Not now.

When I graduated college (which was a year and nine days now, to be exact), I didn’t have concrete to-do plans but I still have Plans: find a course-related job in the corporate world, be excellent at it, and earn as much as I can for myself and my family while doing it. That’s the Plan. That’s my Plan. I never thought of seeing myself doing anything else, just that.

Then came one day and my Plan was set aside and was kept in its box. I was surprised to be on this other journey than the ones I’ve set my mind on to. I was suddenly working for a non-profit faith-based organization. At first, I don’t really understand what are these people trying to do and why are they doing it at all. But as I sojourn with them, I realized that my dreams before were quite shallow–all I think about is myself and what I want (nothing’s wrong with that) but you see, life in this earth is more than just me or you. We are here to serve others, to be the light and salt in the darkness. Anywhere we are, we have opportunities to do that, we just need to spot where it is exactly and we aren’t suppose to neglect that opportunity. And so, after almost a year, I’m learning from them, I’m learning what and why the Big Guy wants me there.

Being in that sort of a real world makes you see and discover something else within yourself–fear starts to creep in, nerves were just out of place, doubts scatter everywhere. And this, I know, is a part of this growing up cycle: stepping out of your boundaries. However this scares the crap out of me.

Faith, my faith, is on the other side of the coin. I ain’t a kid (baby Christian as they call it) anymore, therefore, it’s just about the right time to take full responsibility when it comes to my relationship with my Father. I am to bear fruit. I am to be transformed. No more playing around. I think and feel that I am such a disappointment to the Big Guy on this part. I don’t know, I don’t do things the way I should. It’s like I don’t want to go through the transition of being a baby to someone taking responsibility. I don’t want to step out my comfort zone. But when I don’t, I know I won’t grow. Growing up needs you to break your barriers, your safe nets, you need to move forward and make Him proud.

Growing up. It’s still of a big word for me. A big word which means responsibility. Especially with the kind of person that I am – I am most terrified in making a mistake. I’m afraid of failing and disappointing the people around me. And I know that’s where I got it all wrong.

In this life, fears will come knocking at your door (but most of the time, it will just go in without permission). The feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt is just around the corner and it’s gonna be a confusing path to take. And although I can’t really comprehend this growing-up thing until now, I know for a fact that there’s Someone Greater – Someone Greater than all of my fears and doubts combined. Someone Greater who’s gonna guide me through all these chaos. Someone Greater who is called peace and stillness, the joy that’s gonna burst inside of you if you let it. Someone Greater who is never ever gonna leave and will be by your side, holding your hands. Someone Greater who’ll give you ways to fly. Someone Greater who you can call hope, a weapon you can truly depend on to.

Time will come when things are gonna be better and everything will make sense after the drought. Always remember (dear self) that failures and mistakes are all included in the package called Life.

***

But these girls, I am certain of in life. They literally grow on me. HAHA! They make growing up a fun thing to do…like in the case of eating this pizza.

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Look.

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See what I mean? Haha! :P