There’ll come a time when you will not live up to the standards. You will disappoint people, you’ll be disappointed by people and you’ll get disappointed at yourself in full circle. You’ll feel a hole inside your chest and your emotions may get too intense that you will feel this hole getting bigger and bigger and you will carry an emotion that gets heavier and heavier. And you’ll realize that whatever it is that you fill in the hole will never be enough because it isn’t something that will ever satisfy your soul in the first place.
What is it about hurt that makes it hard for you to forgive? What is it about pride that makes it hard for you to utter a sorry? What is it about loneliness that makes it hard for you to find peace? What is it about darkness that makes it hard for you to see the light? What is it about questions that makes it hard for you to look for answers?
Sometimes you think that whatever you’re feeling at this very moment will never end. Sometimes you think that if by trying to write these feelings down, you will get to the point of understanding how you will get through this process. You never liked uncomfortable and uncontrollable process. You never liked darkness. You probably even think that this will never be included in the best moments to behold in your most precious life because this is painfully awful. You just wanna escape and wake up to a morning of normal where you have always been predictably happy; and not like this, being overly quiet, eating hurt and lingering to loneliness. This may be so bad. This may want you to cry and crawl up your body in a position where you don’t feel fragile.
I watched my brother took out the trash for the scheduled garbage collection at our street. We have two bins full of one week of household refuse. When he removed one of the trash bags, maggots were coming out of it and when he removed the other, a horrid smell travelled our nostrils. And I wonder, what are we filling our bins with? If we hold onto the hurt, the pride, the loneliness, the darkness and the questions, what will come out of us? Are we taking care of maggots? Are we carrying a horrid smell?
My brother thoroughly cleaned the trash bins after taking out the garbage. He washed it with running water, he got a handful of powdered soap and tossed it inside each receptacle and rewashed everything with running water. He took a little more than five minutes to clean the maggots-coming-out-of-a-horrid-smelling-one-week-of-discarded-matter trash bins. It felt like there was never something rotting in there, it was totally spotless.
You know the answers deep inside you. You have always known what to do. You just need to make a choice. Your decision might be leaning to humility, might be leaning to acceptance of wrongs, might be leaning to loving unconditionally.
How long are you planning to hold on to the maggots? When will you take out the trash?
All the rotten things must not be stored in your heart. You’ve seen how a week can do so much spoilage. However, if you think this is a phase you need to go through, then go through this. But please don’t cling onto this for too long. Don’t let the maggots eat your soul. You can always take out the trash.