To My Future Padawan

 

This world is cruel, some people around you will be disappointing, and you – no matter how hard you try – will get tired of fighting.

One day, you’ll find a cause to carry: an advocacy. Something that pierces deep within your soul that it burdens you to take action, to find your own voice, and to make a stand. You will hear it in your heartbeat, you will feel it in your trembling knees, you will see how it will change you as a person — how it can grow your character and fuel your passion. But, my little one, remember that truth is exclusive. Sincerity and faith are two good things but when it is anchored in something other than the truth, it is wrong. Truth is truth and it cannot be one or the other. Seek to know that which is true and glue your heart in fighting for it.

Should you find the urge to bring your advocacy to the streets, let it be known to you that your father and I will be there to support you. Like how the parents of my friend gave her words of advice on what to expect during street protests, I will also give you mine. Some people will say that it is a waste of time and it is disgusting, but listen to me love, it is never a waste of time and it is never disgusting. There’s nothing wrong with using your voice to speak up against injustice, violence, corruption, human rights or anything that’s in the core of your being. Learn from every people you will meet in this experience and be very observant in your surroundings. Notice the street children who are bewildered on what’s happening because this is their first time to encounter a sea of people chanting, raising placards, and uniting for a single purpose. Notice how one of them will tell the other that the people were doing the protests for the country, doing the protests for them. Notice how your heart will respond to that and cherish that moment forever.

And yes, of course, your mother is one emotional being who’s sometimes (or mostly) sensitive when people go against or get critical towards what she believes in. But your father, he is a wise man, he weighs and opens his mind to listen. Please forgive and have patience with your mother, she’s trying her hardest. Be like your father and find the balance.

It is a reality that people will agree and disagree with you. But even if they go for or against you, do not shut the door in front of their face and lose a relationship in the process. Somebody once told me that instead of drawing the line, we should blur the line so as to restore a relationship – makes sense?

You see, I’ve lived through a time where people burn each other down and/or throw mud on each other’s faces because we think that’s the way we should go, that’s how we could convince those who were outside of the fence. I don’t know what the future will look like for you, my love, but what I do know (and what I was reminded of) is that we should always love one another despite of our differences. Jesus was not kidding when He said: Love your enemies and do good to those who persecute you. Love your neighbor as you have loved yourself. Believe me, I know how hard loving one another could be like. It’s no joke.

When humans have different sets of beliefs and they become difficult, we have a tendency to hurt each other with words. When you have cause hurt to someone or when you did something wrong, apologize. Humility can be rare but let it run through your veins, apologize when necessary – say your sorry and mean it. Continue to love radically, still. Be gentle and shower your arguments with grace.

Sometimes you will find your voice in the minority and you will doubt if everything’s worth fighting for. If you will face darkness, I hope that it would be extremely dark for you so you would know that we can only do so much with the strength that we’re given. Remember what I said? This world is cruel, some people around you will be disappointing, and you – no matter how hard you try – will get tired of fighting. I hope you reach that point of desperation that you cry everything out to the Lord and be so dependent to Him more than ever. We have little control over anything, my love. Just commit to do your part and let it rest to the hands of our good Lord. He is Sovereign, remember that. He is Just and He is Love. He is always Good.

When you grew tired of the fight, when cynicism is glancing at the doors of your optimism, when everything continues to break you, I will hold your hand so tight to remind you that you are not fighting this alone. Look up, my child, and see how the moon and stars lit up an entire night sky. We are an army. Let your light saber glow.

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And Seeing a Rainbow Could Mean Believing that a Clearer Weather will Come After

I was supposed to give a testimonial today to a group of young people down South but, a few weeks ago, I was told of the changes that had to happen. I was taken off the list – nothing personal – because they had to invite a main sharer instead. The theme of the event was about Love and Waiting and my supposed part would be sharing my path in this whole waiting process.

And so, here’s what I would probably share to those kids (read: teens) if I were able to speak to them:

Waiting is never going to be easy. You all know this. Srsly, who likes to wait? We all belong to a generation of impatient humans.

When I was about eleven years old, a freshman high school who thought that my crush has a crush on me, I asked my mom this question: Ma, pwede na ba ako magboyfriend? And to my overly excited hormones, she replied silence. She did not say anything. She just kept quiet. And my young mind did not understand then that probably my mom was praying to the God of Heavens to pacify her daughter who got uncontrollable emotions that could possibly lead to teenage pregnancy, haha.

For me, there’s nothing wrong with the boyfriend-girlfriend thing even at a young age, guaranteed you are guided by your parents, you are obedient to your parents’ guidance, you got solid foundation and you know your limits. I don’t see anything wrong but it’s gonna be a tug of discipline between your parents and your wild heart. If you are prepared to go through some difficult battles at a young strength, then, go. Remember though, the consequences could be a lot tougher if you’re going to be really stubborn in the middle of your journey. I’ve seen few people who succeed in this and I’ve seen a lot who did not. Your choice.

By God’s grace, the younger me managed to graduate high school without having a boyfriend because I don’t know if I could ever resist the temptation of the world if I got what I wanted that early.

I never had a boyfriend in high school and until now but I got crushes. Crushes are life source, promise. They get you to school early because you wanted to pass by that corridor and get your daily dose of “inspiration.” That’s it, that’s their benefit, at least you’re not late.

Having crushes are normal, however, if you will purposely not study so you will stay in the same section as to where your crush is, that is crazy. Kid, you are young and crazy and wasting your opportunity to get more knowledge in your history class. You have to pause and recalibrate your mind. You think staying in the same section can get your crush to have a crush on you? It will never happen. But even if it does happen, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re missing out Nebuchadnezzar in History and it’s actual connection to the story you just read in the Bible.

Do not hurry. High school is just high school, there could be a lot more boys who you could fall in love with in College. Unless you’re in MassCom where statistics could be very well out of proportion. Haha kidding! Your goal shouldn’t be finding love, your goal should be waiting for love to come. And while at it, being the best that you can be. Find your purpose and fulfill it. Go change the world if you think the world needs changing. Or, go change yourself instead. In the meantime, please do good in school. You owe that to God, to yourself, to your hardworking folks, and to your country (yup, your country, the main reason why you memorized Panatang Makabayan).

Time will come when you’ll turn 20-something’s and you’ll now realize that how come everyone got their fair share of another person’s hands, arms and comfort and you – well – you are still you. You don’t have anybody to share that overflowing love in your heart with yet. Yes, you got your family and friends who reciprocate the love, but no someone yet. That different feeling. You don’t have that yet.

You know how it would be totally fine if every now and then, there’s another soul who would tell you that they admire you and would just do things for you and would ask you if you could risk loving them too? Then that makes you single by choice. But what if there’s none? You are just single by default. How does that make you feel? Sometimes you just wanna give up waiting and just wallow into self-pity questioning your worth. You just wanted love anyway, was it too hard to ask for?

There’ll be days when Doubts will come rushing in like tidal waves, pushing all your Brave offshore and far away. When it comes, carry your sunbeams with you, still. You’ve collected one too many along the way. You needed that when everything’s just too clouded and seeing a rainbow could mean believing that a clearer weather will come after.

You know how they say everything’s gonna be worth it in the end? I think they’re not lying.

Love will come when you’re brave enough to wait. Waiting is quite a process. It builds your stomach the abdomen it takes to never settle. We might get a six-pack after all these. And that, kid, is worth the wait.

We should just love them. Hard.

Acknowledgement.
Recognition.
Confirmation.

I believe feelings are meant to be acknowledged; feelings are meant to be recognized; feelings are meant to be confirmed. Especially if these feelings are special feelings for someone special. Haha whut? This I repeat my phrases, I forget my tenses, I refuse my inability to make any sense of my words is what happens when I’m writing about the most magical force in the entire universe known as Love and I got specific people in mind to whom I get this consuming fireball of inspiration to blabber about something I don’t entirely know anything about. Love, sometimes, is strange. Love, sometimes, is a stranger. Love is a stranger I’m waiting to meet.

Six years ago, I kept within myself an emotion I deeply wanted to share with someone else but I’m not sure if he’s gonna be more than willing to handle it. In my mind, it was easy to make enough excuses and plenty of reasons as to why I should lock in all those emotions into a box called never mind. I was scared and terrified to bear with the possible truth of a one way love affair. Until now, it haunts me. On some days, I simply wanted to call him over the phone and tell him to come see me at a coffee shop near our place just so I can ask him the questions: Did you ever consider me? Did you ever love me?

Pathetic. HAHA BUT DON’T JUDGE! Those were the exact questions I really – badly – wanted to ask him for me to get over with it. Because c’mon, what are the odds?

That guy from my past, we had this connection. In Greek, we are deeply connected by the very thing that stirs the human core: tekhnē (music). It was that and I believe it was something more than that. But that’s where we started, as per my perspective. That guy and I got constant communication, I don’t completely remember but mostly we talk nonsense and we don’t actually mind wasting our time with this kind of foolishness. Time flew by so fast when we’re together and sometimes I prayed for Time to stop just so I can study his face a little while longer and stare at his beautiful eyes for hours. *cue cringe* From my lenses, we had “the spark.” We got some chemistry going on and we don’t mean science. He was all these sending-butterflies-down-my-belly-everytime-I-see-him and the-very-trip-down-memory-lane-I-don’t-ever-wanna-forget-even-I-ended-up-walking-that-one-way-street-of-Love kind of guy. And I wanted to know if I was all of these for him, too. I guess, I just wanted to know if I ever mattered to him. I wanted to know if we had a shot at chance. Well, I don’t know if getting the answers to all the questions in my head was absolutely necessary.

But you know what, we never really tried. We never got to the edge of confirming anything. I acknowledged and recognized what I felt for him and I stopped there. I never let him knew. The reason being is that I’m a woman and I wanted a man whose gonna confess his feelings for me and not the other way around. I don’t want to take myself away the privilege of being asked. That although I was sure we had something, I cannot hold onto that kind of reality because he did not reinforce this truth. What we had did not equate to what we could have been.

The only thing I’m keeping, however, is the reality that in spite of all my questions, I am certain of the truth that I loved him. We did not progress, but I loved him dearly. Very dearly. And I don’t have any plans of regretting that decision.

I think if we want to love a person, we shouldn’t be cowards. We should just love them. Hard. And if we are blessed with enough courage, we should go right ahead and tell them. Risk. At the end of the day, we never are losers when we love. Even if it’s a love reciprocated or a love that is not.

Someday, I’m Gonna Receive Flowers

It has always been stressed out that Love is something worth waiting for. And I have been in this whole business of Waiting for more than two decades already. And yes, I am getting to the point of being stressed out (haha kidding I’m all for this Waiting Game)!

When I was younger, I always dreamt of meeting “the One.” My God’s Best (GB): the person whom God will bring into my life which will make my heart skip a beat; the person who will shower me with all the attention and care that I needed; the person who will tell me that I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and mean it; the person who will do everything to protect me and make me happy; the person who will settle down with me to build our own home and family (I’m thinking five kids haha); the person who will choose me for who I am and who I am not – no matter how cliché that “choosing me” sounded – period. I planned everything when I was fifteen and was about to graduate high school. After four years in College, I’d have a stable job for about two or three years, thereafter, I should’ve met him already. I would be 23 at that point and we would spend four or five years of being together before he would propose to me. By the age of 28, I’ll get married and live happily ever after. HAHA too much daydreaming, fairytales and Disney movies!

Currently, I now hit the I-should-have-already-met-the-One-by-this-time mark which my younger self had planned all along. Obviously, though, it wasn’t a well-executed plan as I expected it to be. But hey, I’m still 23, anything can happen! Who knows? Lol I never thought Waiting could be a thermometer of Courage. As Time contribute years to your life on Earth, it also add fears and doubts to your conviction that this whole thing they call Love will be worth the wait til the end.

We should commend the catalyst who invented the Day of Love which the entire universe celebrates at this very moment, though. It makes all of us who are still waiting realize how it is too difficult to keep up with what we’re doing when everyone around us have already found their match. Life can be a pain, sometimes lol. It’s especially hard when you haven’t experienced being found by someone ever, yet. I’m gonna be honest, the longing grows deep; thus, making this journey a very tough ride.

Last Friday, eve of Valentine’s, some of the guys at the office bought bouquet of flowers for their special someones. It’s wonderful to see the efforts that these souls are willing to take just to make their other half feel exceptional on the day made for Love to be acknowledged. That although some of them doesn’t believe in the idea of “giving flowers” because they said, “flowers die,” they’d still give the flowers anyway because it’s a gesture which their loved ones will appreciate. They’re so in love :) At that time I thought, when will my turn come? When will someone bother to think if I’d like some flowers on Valentine’s or even in any ordinary day? When will Love take place? When will the Wait be over?

Too many questions but no definite answers.

Maybe love lives inside of us. Maybe love is meant for us to give to someone else. Maybe love will find its way to us when we’re out in the porch, watching the sunset and singing with all our hearts in a song by our favorite boyband of the 90s. Maybe Love is just around the corner and will hit us fast with smack in the face when we believe it. (Me three years ago, sometimes I make sense haha)

I still believe in Love and I’m never gonna stop. I still believe in the beautiful struggle of Waiting. Damn, it’s so hard but I still believe that there is someone out there for me. That someday someone will have the courage to ask me out on a date. That someday someone will have the boldness to tell me what his feelings are for me and how he is so ready to take the risk and see if we have a shot at chance. That someday someone will hold my hand whenever and wherever and even without any reason at all. That someday someone will always stretch the widest smile at the sight of my presence. That someday someone will give me flowers even if he doesn’t believe in the idea of giving flowers.

I’m not certain when will our story unfold, all I know is our story has been written down by such an amazing Author who will grant the desires of our hearts in the most perfect time, perfect place, and with the perfect person. I know someday, someone will come and tell me that Love has arrived and that the long Wait is finally over. I know someday, Valentine’s or not, I’m gonna receive those flowers. :)

Say Something

I… I don’t feel anything anymore. When I hear your name, when I read your letters, when I am this close to seeing you once again. The butterflies in my stomach, they are at peace even at the thought of your presence; those butterflies don’t make me dizzy anymore. I can catch my breath now. I can look at you straight in the eyes without feeling awkward and fearing that my own eyes will betray me and tell you things like: I always wanted to be with you. I always wanted to choose you. I always wanted you to choose me, too.

The truth is, I never wanted those feelings – my feelings – for you to end. I never wanted to lose the spark, to cut the connection, to let go of all the memories. I never wanted us to fade. But you know, I also prayed for this day. I begged God to end whatever my feelings are for you because I know, we are like those Stars: we are crossed. We will never be. To be fair to myself, I just wanted to admit and tell you that: I liked you. A lot. And somewhere along the lines of pride and denial, I held these words in my tongue. I wrapped them in a secure place of I Will Never Let You Know.

I am afraid to grasp the idea of you feeling the same way as I am because it’s easier to think that you don’t. That this was never mutual. But somewhere in my heart, in my mind, in the times we spent — all that I am and all of who you are, I think, they (kind of) go together. Like twin souls. Like authentic laughter. Like two people who just want to hug each other but just can’t. Like there are too many signs and we choose to ignore them.

You are so beautiful. And I find out that the word beautiful can also be used to describe a boy, it supersedes the word handsome in every wonderful way. I always see you as beautiful. No, you were never perfect but you are beautiful. I don’t know what qualities you do have that will suffice my list of standards. You did not fit my standards in any way. That’s when I discovered, I don’t just like you, I think I had fallen in love with you. And Love, I heard, doesn’t need a reason why.

One sided love, ah, a familiar face! I felt this when I was younger: a love that isn’t reciprocated but still loving, anyways. It wasn’t all gloomy and shattered and lonely. In fact, it was electric and joyful and tastes like Summer in mid-Winter. It made me friends with Metaphors because I needed to hide your identity. And soon enough, I was able to craft my own Poetry which speaks of our moments together, I meant, my moment of looking at you closer and inhaling every blissful bits of gladness you unknowingly shared with my heart. Oh, it was marvelous! It still makes me smile whenever I remember.

Today, we hang in the air like moments. And we know that, moments too, need letting go.

You’re the one that I love. And I’m saying goodbye.

Just Keep Swimming Through

Never had I been in any relationship in my twenty-one years here on Earth and I don’t know when would I be in one. I’m a firm believer that the best is yet to come and my only chance at it is when I learned to wait patiently. However, every time a very dear friend of mine experience heart break, I always always wanted to comfort them the best that I can especially if in that moment, I won’t be by their side to hug them tight (to give them cookies and siomai) and narrate to them the eternal lists of how beautiful they are as a person.

To the girl who always had the greatest potential:

You texted me last night to tell me that you are in the core of a break-up; your long year relationship has finally ended. I want to let you know that I am sorry. I want to tell you that everything will be fine and everything will come into passing – that the time will come when you can finally run again and eventually you will fly, you can fly. You were always meant to fly.

I know, people will probably laugh at me – and I too, sometimes, find myself funny – when I give love advice when I, for one, never experienced and felt the same way that you did. But I hope you’ll hear me out, even so.

I know a lot of things don’t make sense right now – your heart is beaten and bruised from the whole course of your fight for love. It has been a tough ride. You have conquered the waves, you took courage to sail against the current. You had been very brave. You believe in this love sincerely that you had willingly given yourself  in the deep blue of the ocean where most of us won’t even dare to swim through. You were gasping for breath each time, you didn’t care if your legs are tired from swimming; the jellyfish may sting you but you just know in your heart that going to the bottom of it will prove to yourself that what you felt and where you are in is because of love.

I don’t blame you because of your choices. And I don’t think that this will be a wasted time, let alone, a wasted story. I’ve seen in it in you. You have this vast ability to care and to love. You are a story – and a very beautiful one at that. You are waiting to unfold. So, you need all these – the pain, the doubt, the tears, the weak knees, the lost appetite, the fear, the consequences, the feeling of emptiness. You need to feel that you are broken. You need to feel this hollow at this very moment. This might be the hardest days in the world for you, but you have to go through this like the way you did being at the bottom of the ocean: just keep swimming through.

While you are struggling to go back from the way it was, I hope that you will stop. Stop thinking that you can return, that you can do it all over again if the relationship will be given another chance, that maybe you are just running away from a bad dream. Let me tell it to you frankly, my love:

It’s over. Nobody’s coming back. Nobody’s expecting you to return. This is the end of the road for that relationship. It is finished. You are now free.

You have to keep living. You have to make your way up, the sun has always shine its rays in the surface of the water. Follow that light. Paddle at your own pace and do yourself a favor of not looking back. You have to rise from the depths of the blue; it might be a long long way to finally breathe the air from the dock of the bay, but you’ll be there soon should you choose it to be.

If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this person, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that person to block that door. Let it go.

– Eat. Pray. Love.

Remember, the only mistakes we can have in life are the ones that we didn’t choose to make right.

Love will come again. As long as we live, we will love. Someone will come and accept everything that we are, everything we have become and everything we will be. Just believe and pray that when the time comes, you are fully restored and healed. I know you will be, and I’m excited to see all of it. Did you know that in order for the caterpillar to become a butterfly, it needs to let go of its head? Gross idea, but, sometimes what we most treasure is the very same thing that we have to fully surrender in order for us to achieve our full metamorphosis. The caterpillar will never become a beautiful butterfly when it will just keep its head forever. It goes the same way with us humans, we cannot take hold of what’s best until we learn to let go of what’s good. Always easier said than done, but believe that God will help you surrender.

You are beautiful. True love will always see you as beautiful. And I hope you can give it to yourself – that love – and believe that in the midst of all these, you are still beautiful, you will be beautiful. Learn to find yourself again. Learn to forgive yourself. The beauty of being broken is the very miracle that someday, in God’s most perfect timing, you will be whole again.

God loves you, my dear. You are a gift from God to all of us and we love you. I can’t wait for the time when I can see your full bloom out of this brokenness.

When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. 

– Eat. Pray. Love.

The Street Performer and the Sugarfree Song

I had discovered a new way to battle stress and earn inspiration and that is: to run! Haha! :)

I had made a schedule of T-Th-S run nights and thank God for will power and discipline, I was at it for a month now (not counting last week since I got a full sched and wasn’t able to do some runs). And since I was stressed out yesternight – don’t worry, my primary cause of stress is myself, I think a lot about this thing I should be doing yet I’m not putting in the effort to finish it which causes my hormones to strain my neck and give me severe headaches – I decided that it was the right time to revamp my Run Game. The last week run that I had was just below the target line of the previous runs so I’m trying my hardest to get back on that run-game-face. But my new found passion for running is not the sole purpose of this entry (I could talk about that some other time soon).

Just got carried away at the moment. Sorry.

I run at Track 30 in Bonifacio Global City because it’s nice to run there and it’s just fifteen-jeepney-minutes away from our house. To go there, I shall pass through Market Market then Bonifcaio High Street then to Track 30. Btdubs, BHS will be the setting of the story. (haba lang ng intro lol)

As I was on my way home yesternight, I passed by a Street Performer whom was also there when I was on my way to my run. Did you get that? Pardon my English; it’s just messed up sometimes. The Street Performer got an old OPM song lined up that night and when he sang the chorus as I was passing by him, it just really gives me the feels. THE. FEELS. You know how a song works and stir your core, right? That’s what it did at that moment and it made me think of many many things to which also reminded me of a love story a Pastor at our church shared last Sunday.

The story was about a mother’s love for her daughter who left their village to pursue the life in the city. At such a young age, the daughter thought that if she will get into the city, she will live the life that she has always dreamed of. One day she left home without saying goodbye to her mother. When the mother found out that her daughter was gone, she sold everything she have and went looking for her in the city because she knew that that’s the place her daughter went. In the city, she printed out photos of her daughter and posted it in every hotel in the hope to find her. Months passed and she doesn’t have anything that would lead to her daughter and so she went back to the village. After a few years, the daughter’s life became chaotic and hopeless; as she was walking down the streets, at a shady hotel she found a familiar photo by the window, she recognized that the little girl in the photo was her, she knew that her mother went looking for her when she ran from home. She looked at the back of the photo and saw her mother’s handwriting:

Wherever you are, whatever you have done, whatever you have become, I love you. Please come home.

The daughter did and she was reconciled with her mother. Love. That was just pure love of a mother.

From the OPM song that I heard from the Street Performer, the line that captured my soul was:

Kung wala ka ng makapitan
(If you don’t have someone to hold on to)
Kapit ka sa Akin, kapit ka sa Akin
(Hold on to Me, Hold on to Me)
Hindi Kita bibitawan
(I will never let you go)

And I thought the Lord was speaking to me just like the mother’s handwriting spoke to the heart of her daughter in the love story.

When I got home, the first thing I did is to search for the title and the whole lyrics of the song since it was years ago when I heard it. The title of the OPM song was Wag Ka Nang Umiyak (Please Don’t Cry) by Sugarfree.

(I won’t be translating from here)

Wag ka nang umiyak sa mundong pabago-bago
Pag-ibig ko ay totoo
Ako ang iyong bangka
Kung magalit man ang alon at panahon
Sabay tayong aahon

Chorus:
Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan

Wag ka nang umiyak mahaba man ang araw
Uuwi ka sa yakap ko
Wag mo nang damdamin
Kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
Iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
At kung pakiramdaman mo’y
Wala ka ng kakampi
Isipin mo ako dahil
Puso’t isip ko’y nasa iyong tabi

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan
Hindi kita paba-bayaan (di kita paba-bayaan)
Kapit ka… kumapit ka…

I know that it’s a love song (for a person) but I really feel that this is what God is saying to each one of us.

You know, it is a fact that the Lord loves us. It will never ever change no matter what the circumstances in our life are or how we respond to them, etc etc. Jesus loves us, it’s a constant. The question is, do we love Him? Do we love our Father that we would want to hold on to Him when everything around us fails and falls? He is always there looking out for us and it’s not because of what we’ve done, it is because He is what He is. He is love. He loves us. He’s there for us not because we are great but because He is great.

And that’s why we love Him, because He first loved us.

The song is just too sweet of a reminder: Kumapit ka sa Akin at hindi Kita bibitawan (hold on to Me and I will never let you go). We only need to run… Run to the arms of our One true GOD! :)

PS: Wag Ka Nang Umiyak was such a bad title for this song. I was teary-eyed when I felt every line of it. Haha! Ain’t it so good? Thank you Lord for music! #nakakakiligKalang :)