Battle Scars

If there’s one thing, Death is a reality. And Pain goes along with it. And man, this Life is going to hurt, it will really really hurt. And you’re not going to be okay. Because Death is not okay.

Lately there’s always been news about sickness and dying of sickness and funerals. To be honest, funeral is the last thing I ever wanted to go to in this lifetime. Well, no one ever wanted funerals. No one ever wanted to die or let someone they love so dearly be snatched away from their fingertips. No one ever wanted to experience loss because losing someone can be unbearable. I cannot imagine the pain it takes to realize that you cannot hold that one person you’ve been with your whole life anymore. The word painful cannot even delineate how death can leave a hole in someone’s heart. Any other word cannot even.

I’ve been in the sidelines of watching a friend after a friend sticking out the courage to fight with their parents who’s suffering from this villain called Cancer until it was proven – time and again – how human efforts can only do so much. Sometimes nothing’s ever gonna be enough to stop cancer from taking away someone precious. It breaks hearts and hearts that hope for healing. It shutters bones that stand strong amidst continued beating. It brings despondency to the eyes of someone who used to be only consumed by fire but not anymore because flame was put out because of tears.

Cancer has its ways to creep into your lungs until your gasping out of air even if you’re not the one caught by it, even if you’re just battling it with someone who you’re holding on to because you don’t ever wanna let go and give up on the people you love, right? But Cancer or any other disease can disregard all of your fighting fuel. Really, it will just give it a cruel go and let death happen. And then that’s it, it ended someone’s life. And you’ll feel as if you were taken along.

God is good. All the time.

We’ve been so used to this line. We know it is written in the Bible. We use this as an encouragement for every downcast soul we meet; believing that everything happens for a reason, knowing that the God we serve is a big God, much bigger than our circumstances. But there might come a time when we will be filled with doubt and our confidence to this truth will be shaken. And when it happens, I hope we pour out all our burdens, questions, longings and desperation in a To Be Honest, God barrel and hold on to it no longer. Carry it no longer.

Because that’s the beauty of Life. That though it hurts, we can call out for help. When we are in pain, when we are down and hopeless, when we are in fear and we feel too much, when we meet Death in the eye threatening to take anybody we love, we can cry out an honest cry to the Lord and He’ll hear our broken voices and wounded hearts.

And when time comes that we lose a battle with life, when death wins, be still and know that it’s not the end. That the moment we chose to surrender everything, the moment we chose to believe in our Savior Jesus Christ, the moment we chose to lay all our encumbrance at His feet, that’s also the very moment that we are carried and enveloped in His arms. The enemy may bring excessive pain or sickness or death in this life but our Savior cannot be held down by such things. It holds no power.

We may be lonely because we are the ones left. And we’ll probably miss them terribly everyday. And sometimes mornings may not seem like a good one because it’s not the same anymore. We cannot see them anymore, or smell them, or touch them, or tell them our usual banters, or feel them. We cannot spend any more time with them because time was already gone. It’s not the same. Someone we dearly love is gone. It’s never gonna be the same.

But the sun still rises. And the sun still sets. The moon still glows. And the stars still shine. Time will keep on running. And there’ll be a day like tomorrow. There’ll still be weeks. And months. And years. And sometimes it will still hurt. And it’s okay because we still have God. And our God understands.

To be the one who stays at the moment means we still have a lot to accomplish. We have a purpose. We still are to make a dent in this universe; leaving it like it was never left before. One day, we will unite in the heavens and our hearts will fill with joy as we revel in each other’s presence again. And there’ll be no pain, no sorrow, no tears.

Someday.

One day.

But for now, while we travel and feel the Earth with our hands, we go on. We move on. We get molded and strengthened and made new each day. We have battle scars to show up what’s having faith looks like.

Take it in. Let it out.

So, this is what it feels like. Do you feel it — your heart that’s full of questions, frustrations, anger?

You keep on believing that everything’s fine; trying to navigate the stillness on the surface while everything’s boiling under. Wake up! You are far from fine! It’s time for you to feel it. Accept it. Embrace it. Listen to your body just for once.

I’m not here to judge you. Please don’t fear to be judged by people. Stop acting like you got everything under control because, clearly, you don’t. And you have to understand, it’s okay.

I know you don’t want to hear these things. All you wanna hear is how everything happens for a reason and that there’s always a rainbow after the rain. Yes, this shit happens for a reason. And yes, rainbows do appear after the rain. But, don’t fast forward things. You are in the middle of this shit. You are drenched in the rain. So, why don’t you find yourself where you are?

You are here. In the core. This is pain. This is madness. This is where you find yourself on the floor — weak, tired, confused.

Breathe.

Today, you breathe. Today, you recognize.

You always have to recognize where you are. In that way, you can clean yourself off from the bruise you’ve got from the fall. In that way, you can process what’s really going on in your head before you say things you might regret saying when you’re mad. In that way, you can comfort yourself no matter how cold you pressed your hands to your heart. Trust me, the beating of it will produce the heat and will make you warm.

Breathe. In that way, you can let go. You recognize, and then, you move on.

Oh shut up. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you’re here.

The Return to Green, I Wrote This For You

Life is such a Bully.

It does not care whether you’re hurt after you fell off climbing the tree you’ve always wanted to pick your favorite fruit from; it will still let the bees find you and sting you until you recognize Pain and think as if it can kill you. The Pain that will make you want to curse because you feel betrayed. The Pain that pierces through the heart, so hard, like a bullet hitting the glass window and leaving it shattered and useless. The Pain that will convince you that tears are made of seawater because it taste like salt. The Pain that no matter wherever you go or whatever you do, will haunt you, like a nightmare washing away the rainbows in all of your good dreams – sudden and cruel.

Why does it have to be like that? Why do you even feel such things as Pain or Sadness or Anger? Why does it always have to be like your heart is taken out from your chest and placed in front of your face just for you to find out that your blood do really smell like a rusty roof in an abandoned building?  Why does reality even bother you when you’ve blasted out Silence in its full volume from your headphones? And finally, why do bad days exist?

Somebody once said: Life is 90% of what happens to us and 10% of how we react on it.

My theory is about moments – moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of completely high intensity that could turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are.

(Leo, The Vow)

Not every moment is a high-intensity-kind-of-moment; some, like having Bad Days and questioning Life about its existent, is one kind of moment. This is where Life gets a little bit sh*tty when you don’t have the patience to endure all its crap. This is where it slap you in the face even you felt that you’re the last person on earth who deserved to be treated in an awful way. This is where it declares war against everything you got under your control. This is where everything happens; this is where it shows you the possibility that whatever you got going on can be twisted like a broken symphony. After Life had rained its 90% under This Is What I Want To Give You Today Department, it will hand you your 10% to choose whether to sigh, to cry, to breakdown, to be angry, to feel pain, to dwell with sadness, to decide whichever way you want…to just do something about it. Your 10% shot at life could really end up defining who you are – after all, you are defined by your choices.

In my 21 years on Earth, I still get dumbfounded when bad days came lounging around the corridors of my already-disturbed-mind and my already-intolerant-of-pain-heart. I, often times, waste my 10% when Life gives me its hardcore 90. I think Crisis Management (when it comes to my life and the way I handle it in trials) would still be included in my I Got To Work On These Things List. It is never easy, my friend. Never. Easy.

Bad Days + Pain + Confusion + Whatever Life Throws At You = An opportunity for you/us to depend on Someone that could carry the heaviest burdens we could ever have on our shoulders. That although Life makes us look back on the choices on where we got it wrong, Someone can make all those choices turn out for something good and better, it would be a way to strengthen and build our character. There is that Someone, capital S, who will be in our rescue. He will never, ever, ever leave us hanging at the edge of a cliff without a skosh of hope that we can return back into the Safe. It’s just that, sometimes, it takes Him to break us so He could remold us into the kind of person He wants us to be. I believe, we ought to trust that, we ought to trust Him.

What to do with Life when it comes punching you to the stomach? Do as John Green says, feel the pain. Feel every muscle that contract and sore with that hard hitting punch that could also remind your lungs how it liked the taste of air. Feel the pain because it demands to be felt. Feel the bad days when it surprise you on a supposedly calm Monday morning. Feel Life in all its glorious sense of bullying.

Feel everything. Believe in Someone. Do something.

P.S. I don’t really think that this is a good post to say that Hey, I’m back! Haha! Anyhoo, yeah, I’m back on blogging. More of happy kwentos on some other days soon. :)