I… I don’t feel anything anymore. When I hear your name, when I read your letters, when I am this close to seeing you once again. The butterflies in my stomach, they are at peace even at the thought of your presence; those butterflies don’t make me dizzy anymore. I can catch my breath now. I can look at you straight in the eyes without feeling awkward and fearing that my own eyes will betray me and tell you things like: I always wanted to be with you. I always wanted to choose you. I always wanted you to choose me, too.
The truth is, I never wanted those feelings – my feelings – for you to end. I never wanted to lose the spark, to cut the connection, to let go of all the memories. I never wanted us to fade. But you know, I also prayed for this day. I begged God to end whatever my feelings are for you because I know, we are like those Stars: we are crossed. We will never be. To be fair to myself, I just wanted to admit and tell you that: I liked you. A lot. And somewhere along the lines of pride and denial, I held these words in my tongue. I wrapped them in a secure place of I Will Never Let You Know.
I am afraid to grasp the idea of you feeling the same way as I am because it’s easier to think that you don’t. That this was never mutual. But somewhere in my heart, in my mind, in the times we spent — all that I am and all of who you are, I think, they (kind of) go together. Like twin souls. Like authentic laughter. Like two people who just want to hug each other but just can’t. Like there are too many signs and we choose to ignore them.
You are so beautiful. And I find out that the word beautiful can also be used to describe a boy, it supersedes the word handsome in every wonderful way. I always see you as beautiful. No, you were never perfect but you are beautiful. I don’t know what qualities you do have that will suffice my list of standards. You did not fit my standards in any way. That’s when I discovered, I don’t just like you, I think I had fallen in love with you. And Love, I heard, doesn’t need a reason why.
One sided love, ah, a familiar face! I felt this when I was younger: a love that isn’t reciprocated but still loving, anyways. It wasn’t all gloomy and shattered and lonely. In fact, it was electric and joyful and tastes like Summer in mid-Winter. It made me friends with Metaphors because I needed to hide your identity. And soon enough, I was able to craft my own Poetry which speaks of our moments together, I meant, my moment of looking at you closer and inhaling every blissful bits of gladness you unknowingly shared with my heart. Oh, it was marvelous! It still makes me smile whenever I remember.
Today, we hang in the air like moments. And we know that, moments too, need letting go.
You’re the one that I love. And I’m saying goodbye.