I Want My Heart, Broken

Yes, you read that right.

Earlier today, while having a random conversation with a dear friend, I spit the statement: I want to experience a broken heart. I want to feel human. I want to experience that kind of pain. And you may think I’m ridiculous because honestly, who – in their right minds – want to have something to do with a broken heart?

Well, I think I’m crazy for saying that statement too or for even thinking that way. But, you know, I also kind of think that a person who have gone through (or who is still mending) a broken heart is the most beautiful fighter you’ll ever encounter in this lifetime. That person is just this big explosion of miracle in a milky way of grace, stranded in an island of hope. Just. So. Freaking. Beautiful.

Let me clear it to you, I’ve got a fair share of a broken heart myself, we’ve all had. However, my context in saying “I want a broken heart” is on the basis of a real committed relationship (all I have before and now are petty crushes ((haha)) and those, do not count). That kind of relationship where you finally let someone else enter into the world you build yourself and giving that person freedom to take care of you and be alongside you. That kind of relationship where you value each other more than you value eating pizza. That kind of relationship where you both would want to save Earth for, not because it is the only planet with chocolate, but because it is the planet where you experience this intensely surreal kind of emotion they call Love. That kind of relationship you thought – and you are sure – will lead to forever but for whatever stroke of fate, failed and ended. That kind of relationship bearing that kind of pain of a fresh and raw broken heart. That is what I want.

I want to understand why tears still flow after you have cried thousands and thousands of them. I want to be familiar with sleepless nights of recounting all your happy memories together along with the bad, and while at it, struggle on how to let go each one of them I hold so dearly. I want to recognize the throb in my chest, the never ending agony of feeling betrayed by Life. I want to go through every single doubt of kindness I can offer myself with. I want to learn catching my breath just to remind my lungs that “Hey, you need air. Try breathing.” I want to somersault in this reality of being human, I want to dive in this dark room of Pain.

I want to have a broken heart.
I want to have a broken heart.
I want to have a broken heart.

I want to have a broken heart because I know that it is only a phase; it is a requirement for Living the Life. Like you know, #YOLO. I want to have a broken heart because it shows you how you can be shattered into a million bits of pieces, and why, that is the most grandiose thing that will ever happen to you. Because once you’re broken, you become lost. And once you’re lost, you have this overflowing chances of encountering the Divine. And that, that is a privilege.

I want to have a broken heart because it sucker-punch you in the gut with Brave. It shows you that your knees, they’ll tremble and you might not able to get up anymore. It shows you that even at the sight of not being able to stand up on your feet, it’ll give you a thousand and one ways that you probably still can. And you know what, you will. And that’s when you’ll learn Bravery. It takes one brave man to wake up one day and tell himself that, “You’ve been here for far too long, it’s time to get up and move on.”

I want to have a broken heart because after you’ve been brave, you’ll grow strong. Your once beat-up, torned apart and wrecked core will find its way to wholeness. You’ll be whole after brokenness. It’s like, you were re-birthed in this planet to make a brand spanking slate of Come Back! This. Is. A. Whole. New. You.

After the broken heart, comes the healing, comes the forgiveness, comes a new kind of love to offer to the world. To a new and wonderful person.

And yeah sure, no matter how loud I say these things now, I can never guarantee that I’ll have the guts to actually face a broken heart when it’s my time to face one. So, let this be a reminder to my one day beat-up-torned-apart-and-wrecked heart in the future: You wanted this before, right? Life handed this to you now and you’re not sure anymore if you wanted to take back what you said when you said it. This might taste awful right now, because well, it is. I want you to hang on Hope, because promise, promise, promise, it will all get better. You’ll see.

Just Keep Swimming Through

Never had I been in any relationship in my twenty-one years here on Earth and I don’t know when would I be in one. I’m a firm believer that the best is yet to come and my only chance at it is when I learned to wait patiently. However, every time a very dear friend of mine experience heart break, I always always wanted to comfort them the best that I can especially if in that moment, I won’t be by their side to hug them tight (to give them cookies and siomai) and narrate to them the eternal lists of how beautiful they are as a person.

To the girl who always had the greatest potential:

You texted me last night to tell me that you are in the core of a break-up; your long year relationship has finally ended. I want to let you know that I am sorry. I want to tell you that everything will be fine and everything will come into passing – that the time will come when you can finally run again and eventually you will fly, you can fly. You were always meant to fly.

I know, people will probably laugh at me – and I too, sometimes, find myself funny – when I give love advice when I, for one, never experienced and felt the same way that you did. But I hope you’ll hear me out, even so.

I know a lot of things don’t make sense right now – your heart is beaten and bruised from the whole course of your fight for love. It has been a tough ride. You have conquered the waves, you took courage to sail against the current. You had been very brave. You believe in this love sincerely that you had willingly given yourself  in the deep blue of the ocean where most of us won’t even dare to swim through. You were gasping for breath each time, you didn’t care if your legs are tired from swimming; the jellyfish may sting you but you just know in your heart that going to the bottom of it will prove to yourself that what you felt and where you are in is because of love.

I don’t blame you because of your choices. And I don’t think that this will be a wasted time, let alone, a wasted story. I’ve seen in it in you. You have this vast ability to care and to love. You are a story – and a very beautiful one at that. You are waiting to unfold. So, you need all these – the pain, the doubt, the tears, the weak knees, the lost appetite, the fear, the consequences, the feeling of emptiness. You need to feel that you are broken. You need to feel this hollow at this very moment. This might be the hardest days in the world for you, but you have to go through this like the way you did being at the bottom of the ocean: just keep swimming through.

While you are struggling to go back from the way it was, I hope that you will stop. Stop thinking that you can return, that you can do it all over again if the relationship will be given another chance, that maybe you are just running away from a bad dream. Let me tell it to you frankly, my love:

It’s over. Nobody’s coming back. Nobody’s expecting you to return. This is the end of the road for that relationship. It is finished. You are now free.

You have to keep living. You have to make your way up, the sun has always shine its rays in the surface of the water. Follow that light. Paddle at your own pace and do yourself a favor of not looking back. You have to rise from the depths of the blue; it might be a long long way to finally breathe the air from the dock of the bay, but you’ll be there soon should you choose it to be.

If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this person, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that person to block that door. Let it go.

– Eat. Pray. Love.

Remember, the only mistakes we can have in life are the ones that we didn’t choose to make right.

Love will come again. As long as we live, we will love. Someone will come and accept everything that we are, everything we have become and everything we will be. Just believe and pray that when the time comes, you are fully restored and healed. I know you will be, and I’m excited to see all of it. Did you know that in order for the caterpillar to become a butterfly, it needs to let go of its head? Gross idea, but, sometimes what we most treasure is the very same thing that we have to fully surrender in order for us to achieve our full metamorphosis. The caterpillar will never become a beautiful butterfly when it will just keep its head forever. It goes the same way with us humans, we cannot take hold of what’s best until we learn to let go of what’s good. Always easier said than done, but believe that God will help you surrender.

You are beautiful. True love will always see you as beautiful. And I hope you can give it to yourself – that love – and believe that in the midst of all these, you are still beautiful, you will be beautiful. Learn to find yourself again. Learn to forgive yourself. The beauty of being broken is the very miracle that someday, in God’s most perfect timing, you will be whole again.

God loves you, my dear. You are a gift from God to all of us and we love you. I can’t wait for the time when I can see your full bloom out of this brokenness.

When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. 

– Eat. Pray. Love.

The Street Performer and the Sugarfree Song

I had discovered a new way to battle stress and earn inspiration and that is: to run! Haha! :)

I had made a schedule of T-Th-S run nights and thank God for will power and discipline, I was at it for a month now (not counting last week since I got a full sched and wasn’t able to do some runs). And since I was stressed out yesternight – don’t worry, my primary cause of stress is myself, I think a lot about this thing I should be doing yet I’m not putting in the effort to finish it which causes my hormones to strain my neck and give me severe headaches – I decided that it was the right time to revamp my Run Game. The last week run that I had was just below the target line of the previous runs so I’m trying my hardest to get back on that run-game-face. But my new found passion for running is not the sole purpose of this entry (I could talk about that some other time soon).

Just got carried away at the moment. Sorry.

I run at Track 30 in Bonifacio Global City because it’s nice to run there and it’s just fifteen-jeepney-minutes away from our house. To go there, I shall pass through Market Market then Bonifcaio High Street then to Track 30. Btdubs, BHS will be the setting of the story. (haba lang ng intro lol)

As I was on my way home yesternight, I passed by a Street Performer whom was also there when I was on my way to my run. Did you get that? Pardon my English; it’s just messed up sometimes. The Street Performer got an old OPM song lined up that night and when he sang the chorus as I was passing by him, it just really gives me the feels. THE. FEELS. You know how a song works and stir your core, right? That’s what it did at that moment and it made me think of many many things to which also reminded me of a love story a Pastor at our church shared last Sunday.

The story was about a mother’s love for her daughter who left their village to pursue the life in the city. At such a young age, the daughter thought that if she will get into the city, she will live the life that she has always dreamed of. One day she left home without saying goodbye to her mother. When the mother found out that her daughter was gone, she sold everything she have and went looking for her in the city because she knew that that’s the place her daughter went. In the city, she printed out photos of her daughter and posted it in every hotel in the hope to find her. Months passed and she doesn’t have anything that would lead to her daughter and so she went back to the village. After a few years, the daughter’s life became chaotic and hopeless; as she was walking down the streets, at a shady hotel she found a familiar photo by the window, she recognized that the little girl in the photo was her, she knew that her mother went looking for her when she ran from home. She looked at the back of the photo and saw her mother’s handwriting:

Wherever you are, whatever you have done, whatever you have become, I love you. Please come home.

The daughter did and she was reconciled with her mother. Love. That was just pure love of a mother.

From the OPM song that I heard from the Street Performer, the line that captured my soul was:

Kung wala ka ng makapitan
(If you don’t have someone to hold on to)
Kapit ka sa Akin, kapit ka sa Akin
(Hold on to Me, Hold on to Me)
Hindi Kita bibitawan
(I will never let you go)

And I thought the Lord was speaking to me just like the mother’s handwriting spoke to the heart of her daughter in the love story.

When I got home, the first thing I did is to search for the title and the whole lyrics of the song since it was years ago when I heard it. The title of the OPM song was Wag Ka Nang Umiyak (Please Don’t Cry) by Sugarfree.

(I won’t be translating from here)

Wag ka nang umiyak sa mundong pabago-bago
Pag-ibig ko ay totoo
Ako ang iyong bangka
Kung magalit man ang alon at panahon
Sabay tayong aahon

Chorus:
Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan

Wag ka nang umiyak mahaba man ang araw
Uuwi ka sa yakap ko
Wag mo nang damdamin
Kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
Iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
At kung pakiramdaman mo’y
Wala ka ng kakampi
Isipin mo ako dahil
Puso’t isip ko’y nasa iyong tabi

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan
Hindi kita paba-bayaan (di kita paba-bayaan)
Kapit ka… kumapit ka…

I know that it’s a love song (for a person) but I really feel that this is what God is saying to each one of us.

You know, it is a fact that the Lord loves us. It will never ever change no matter what the circumstances in our life are or how we respond to them, etc etc. Jesus loves us, it’s a constant. The question is, do we love Him? Do we love our Father that we would want to hold on to Him when everything around us fails and falls? He is always there looking out for us and it’s not because of what we’ve done, it is because He is what He is. He is love. He loves us. He’s there for us not because we are great but because He is great.

And that’s why we love Him, because He first loved us.

The song is just too sweet of a reminder: Kumapit ka sa Akin at hindi Kita bibitawan (hold on to Me and I will never let you go). We only need to run… Run to the arms of our One true GOD! :)

PS: Wag Ka Nang Umiyak was such a bad title for this song. I was teary-eyed when I felt every line of it. Haha! Ain’t it so good? Thank you Lord for music! #nakakakiligKalang :)

 

I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A Review of Some Sort

Today, we will talk about Love. Yes, I’ll go straight to the point. This is what happens when children grow up, they talk about love and stuff. Haha. Anyways…

Few weeks back, I finally read Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

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I’ve seen this book being read by my blockmates back in College; I knew then that it would be something worth reading. But at that time, I got this very little patience when it comes to “practical” books (those that give suggestions on what to do with your life and all that), I’m only fond of reading fiction novels ergo I read no Joshua in College Days. September last year however, when I went to a book fair, I finally decided to buy the book. Oh, please don’t judge if I just read it three weeks ago. ;)

The book got my attention in the first few chapters. A lightning struck; I got hooked. Joshua shared his convictions with regards to dating – if he is not ready for intimacy, for marriage, he will not commit to be in a relationship with someone (even giving hints when there are times that he already got a prospect in mind). He is very ideal. The reason why he decided to choose this path is that he believes that this is what The Lord wanted him to do: to develop intimacy with God and to value relationships with the people surrounding him (not leading them to something that will become confusing and messy, but taking care of them like brothers and sisters).

Joshua considers the plans of The Lord in stored for him and he is willing to wait while he is in the season of singleness in his life. He’s willing to sacrifice the good now in order to get the best later. While in his current season, he wanted to grow deeper in his relationship with God; exploring and obeying where The Lord has placed him to go, to reach out, to serve.

When I was eleven years old, even when I got silly crushes, I was ideal as Joshua’s. While in the middle of reading his book, I found out, ten years after that I made myself vulnerable to compromise. I haven’t been in any relationships ever since although I got this certain person that I really really like and I always thought that if this guy will pursue me, I might say yes. As Joshua says, God placed in our hearts the desire to be in a relationship, to be in a commitment, but we should only do so at the right time, at the right place, with the right person.

I always thank God that He never made this guy that I like pursue me. For one, thank God that the guy doesn’t like me the way I did for him; second, The Lord knows how deceiving my heart can be and I know that He’s protecting me. God will grant my desire of being in a relationship when he knows that I am ready. He doesn’t want me to settle. And I also know that I shouldn’t be equally yoke with an unbeliever. It is hard, yes, but focusing on God will make it easier for us. And I need, like Joshua and all of us Christians, to grow deeper in love with The Lord first and everything will just fall in its right pieces of the puzzle.

I hated that the book revealed my petty desires for the things and persons that I wanted now. Dyahe. Haha. It is also the same reason, however, that I loved it because it speaks of the truth, of what we all should pursue of if we wanted to honor God in our relationships.

I liked that Joshua pointed out our selfish tendencies when we like a person; how we always wanted to know if our feelings are reciprocated and if it were, we feel good. Most times, we only think about what good we can get and love is not like that. Love is thinking of what is best for the other person, it involves wisdom when to know the right timing to be with each other. Of course, it is easier said than done. But we always have to start with our choices. As the old saying goes, nothing worth-having comes out easy.

Hustle while we wait! Lets not just stand here and do nothing. Lets serve God with all our might, focusing our undivided attention to him, seeking to pursue the joy of obeying our Master. Ladies, lets behave like a queen to attract a king. Don’t ever settle. And while we’re here, lets make the most of our time!

As for me, I’m renewing my vows to relationships and commitment, bringing back my eleven to my twenty-one year old self. ;)

Bookmarked!

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The Perks of Being a Wallflower [this is not the book]

I warned you, this is really not about the book written by Steven Chbosky which became a movie where Emma Watson starred in. I haven’t read the book (nor watched the movie) yet and if ever I got to read or watch it in the future and post my review for it in this blog, I would entitle it: The Perks of Being a Wallflower [the real deal]. Ha! In that way, we won’t be confused. :P

What am I saying?

Twenty years of being a wallflower.

That’s what I’m saying.

Earlier this week, my cousin and I had a quick chat about whatever else that’s going on in our lives. She told me that she already have this new gadget. And I thought, wow nice. And then she said that it was [the gadget] given by a suitor of hers. She continued on saying that a guy who she met when their school had an out of the country affair is coming to the Philippines. And I asked her if that’s a suitor also, obviously, I won’t have no for an answer. See, my cousin, she’s beautiful and very well shaped and knows how to groom herself. No wonder she got suitors. There’s really nothing wrong with it except that it stressed the life out of me. Ugh! I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally good with the cousin having suitors, new gadgets and all. It’s just that, days like these when everyone else got their fair share of admirers makes me feel not pretty, not wanted, not seen, not interesting, not noticeable. Days like these makes me feel like a big-fat-Wallflower.

I was never really the crush ng bayan (read: apple of the eye) when growing up. I never had a puppy love. I never had a childhood sweetheart. I never had a someone in high school who told me that he wanted the twelve year old me to be his girlfriend. I never been asked on a date. I never been on a date. I never been given flowers and chocolates with a special dedication on Valentine’s Day. I never experienced someone sing something for me that reminds him of me everyday. I never, like, existed in the eyes of the guys as “prospect”. Never. I never got suitors.

It’s acceptable for a single girl to be single as long as she’s got suitors. That makes her single by choice, which is, let’s face it, a lot less sad. But because she’s single because no one really wants to be with her? Single by default? Well then, that’s just depressing.

-Isabel Garcia, The Last Single Lady

Depressing. It is. It’s like you don’t fit in to any options on the check box. And that, you’re just chosen because sometimes, people ran out of choices. You’re the last resort. But while there’s a whole lot of line to choose from, you won’t get noticed. It’s like, you’ll always end up questioning yourself in the mirror and telling the girl in the reflection, what is wrong?

Like lightning hit the sycamore tree, it dawned on me that nothing’s really ever wrong. With me. Well, aside from the fact that I eat in embarrassing amounts whenever I’m hungry and I burp like an ogre sometimes. Nothing’s really wrong with me except my mindset. I always forget what I said in the number seven of this list: I am not to compare myself to this world. I’m created in the image of the Almighty – fearfully and wonderfully. I got to believe this the best that I can coz this isn’t a lie. This is true. I am beautiful and so are you. Even in doubt, even you get goosebumps saying it to yourself in front of the mirror, even you think you’re a big joke, you [I] got to understand, you are [I am] beautiful. Don’t let Mr. I-am-telling-you-base-on-this-world’s-standards-you-are-NOT-beautiful win. He’s lying! He’s a LIAR. Go on, believe in yourself. Go on, believe in the small voice of encouragement within you. Go on, believe your Father. Believe the truth.

I am not telling this to make myself feel good. I am telling this to myself because I forgot how God made me as His creation – all He made is good. It is good. It is good. I am good. (see Genesis 1)

I am single, not by default. I am single because I know my worth. I can choose to go flirt with every guy in this world to have a boyfriend if I wanted to; but, no one wins in that. That’s just a whole lot of chaotic heartbreak. Besides I made a commitment, and some would say that I’m a cosmic idealist single lady alive, but it’s in my heart to pursue the best and never settle. I am bound to love myself first and to know my me more. I am bound to know the One who made me me. I am bound to know the One who gave me the greatest love I ever had and will ever had – the greatest love that would satisfy the depths of my soul and the never ending beat of my heart: my inner being.

And it’s not that I don’t want a relationship, it’s just that I refuse to beg for something that should be freely and willingly given and I refuse to settle anything less than something real. Something with chemistry and compatibility and attraction and yes, actual committed love.

-Isabel Garcia, The Last Single Lady

I know Love. I knew Love. I experienced Love. Although not the romantic type, but, you know, it’s just everywhere. From the time you held the little hands of a newborn child; the time you shared your favorite oatmeal cookie to a less fortunate; the time you forgive someone who wronged you and eventually forget what they had done wrong; the time you teach a new friend how to swim; the time you rendered patience, as if you had long threads of it, in teaching a new employee the how-to’s of a job; the time you smiled to a stranger which made him feel that he’s welcomed; the time when a Friend laid down his life for you; the time you accepted yourself for all of who you are and who you’re not.

Maybe love lives inside of us. Maybe love is meant for us to give to someone else. Maybe love will find its way to us when we’re out in the porch, watching the sunset and singing with all our hearts in a song by our favorite boyband of the 90s. Maybe Love is just around the corner and will hit us fast with smack in the face when we believe it.

As for now, living life with no strings attached to anybody, is fun. I should enjoy it while I’m still here. I got to do what I wanna do. I got to go where I wanna go. I got to be to people who I wanted to be with. I got to enjoy myself and understand myself. I got to depend on the True Dependable. I got to take hold of the world in my hands and I got to tell it that I don’t deserve to be treated less than my worth. I know that I’ll conquer all the fears and doubts and lies that it throws in front of my face because my faith is so much bigger than my biceps and my hope is higher than my 5 feet 4 inches height.

Being single never meant you’re ugly and no one wants to be with you. Take hold of your ideals of waiting for the perfect best man God designed for you to be with – although it’s hard and sometimes you would be seen by others as crazy – take hold of it like a precious gem stone, very fragile and can break easy. Never settle. Even if they said happy endings only happens in fairytales and movies and that being in love and to believe in love will bring you heartbreak and you won’t be ready, believe in Love anyways.

The perks of being a wallflower? Although my confidence can be measured in teaspoons when thinking if there’s someone who would really wanted to share a relationship journey with me in the future, I would still believe it with every cup I fill my teaspoons with.

In the meantime, I’ll explore and gaze upon the beauty and tragedy of everyday living. I’ll participate in the wonders of every season of this funny place called life. I’ll discover who I am, even I’ll fall, I’ll stand up again. I’ll trust Who made me who I am, the One who held my hand whenever I fell and pushed me to get back on my feet to stand up again. I’ll grieve when I need to. I’ll jump for joy when my heart tells me to. I’ll try to present myself well (even it means using creams and lotions for my skin or using baby colognes or wearing dresses and be quite feminine) every once in a while. Although I’ll still have days complaining about messy hairdos, unplucked eyebrows and yes, zero suitors, I’ll be brave while waiting. I’ll be ecstatic and giddy and arms wide open when waiting is finally done. I’ll watch the stars and wonder if Mr. Someday My Prince Will Come is watching the same stars as I am. I’ll never settle. I’ll just keep on believing. :)