I warned you, this is really not about the book written by Steven Chbosky which became a movie where Emma Watson starred in. I haven’t read the book (nor watched the movie) yet and if ever I got to read or watch it in the future and post my review for it in this blog, I would entitle it: The Perks of Being a Wallflower [the real deal]. Ha! In that way, we won’t be confused. :P
What am I saying?
Twenty years of being a wallflower.
That’s what I’m saying.
Earlier this week, my cousin and I had a quick chat about whatever else that’s going on in our lives. She told me that she already have this new gadget. And I thought, wow nice. And then she said that it was [the gadget] given by a suitor of hers. She continued on saying that a guy who she met when their school had an out of the country affair is coming to the Philippines. And I asked her if that’s a suitor also, obviously, I won’t have no for an answer. See, my cousin, she’s beautiful and very well shaped and knows how to groom herself. No wonder she got suitors. There’s really nothing wrong with it except that it stressed the life out of me. Ugh! I hate it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally good with the cousin having suitors, new gadgets and all. It’s just that, days like these when everyone else got their fair share of admirers makes me feel not pretty, not wanted, not seen, not interesting, not noticeable. Days like these makes me feel like a big-fat-Wallflower.
I was never really the crush ng bayan (read: apple of the eye) when growing up. I never had a puppy love. I never had a childhood sweetheart. I never had a someone in high school who told me that he wanted the twelve year old me to be his girlfriend. I never been asked on a date. I never been on a date. I never been given flowers and chocolates with a special dedication on Valentine’s Day. I never experienced someone sing something for me that reminds him of me everyday. I never, like, existed in the eyes of the guys as “prospect”. Never. I never got suitors.
It’s acceptable for a single girl to be single as long as she’s got suitors. That makes her single by choice, which is, let’s face it, a lot less sad. But because she’s single because no one really wants to be with her? Single by default? Well then, that’s just depressing.
-Isabel Garcia, The Last Single Lady
Depressing. It is. It’s like you don’t fit in to any options on the check box. And that, you’re just chosen because sometimes, people ran out of choices. You’re the last resort. But while there’s a whole lot of line to choose from, you won’t get noticed. It’s like, you’ll always end up questioning yourself in the mirror and telling the girl in the reflection, what is wrong?
Like lightning hit the sycamore tree, it dawned on me that nothing’s really ever wrong. With me. Well, aside from the fact that I eat in embarrassing amounts whenever I’m hungry and I burp like an ogre sometimes. Nothing’s really wrong with me except my mindset. I always forget what I said in the number seven of this list: I am not to compare myself to this world. I’m created in the image of the Almighty – fearfully and wonderfully. I got to believe this the best that I can coz this isn’t a lie. This is true. I am beautiful and so are you. Even in doubt, even you get goosebumps saying it to yourself in front of the mirror, even you think you’re a big joke, you [I] got to understand, you are [I am] beautiful. Don’t let Mr. I-am-telling-you-base-on-this-world’s-standards-you-are-NOT-beautiful win. He’s lying! He’s a LIAR. Go on, believe in yourself. Go on, believe in the small voice of encouragement within you. Go on, believe your Father. Believe the truth.
I am not telling this to make myself feel good. I am telling this to myself because I forgot how God made me as His creation – all He made is good. It is good. It is good. I am good. (see Genesis 1)
I am single, not by default. I am single because I know my worth. I can choose to go flirt with every guy in this world to have a boyfriend if I wanted to; but, no one wins in that. That’s just a whole lot of chaotic heartbreak. Besides I made a commitment, and some would say that I’m a cosmic idealist single lady alive, but it’s in my heart to pursue the best and never settle. I am bound to love myself first and to know my me more. I am bound to know the One who made me me. I am bound to know the One who gave me the greatest love I ever had and will ever had – the greatest love that would satisfy the depths of my soul and the never ending beat of my heart: my inner being.
And it’s not that I don’t want a relationship, it’s just that I refuse to beg for something that should be freely and willingly given and I refuse to settle anything less than something real. Something with chemistry and compatibility and attraction and yes, actual committed love.
-Isabel Garcia, The Last Single Lady
I know Love. I knew Love. I experienced Love. Although not the romantic type, but, you know, it’s just everywhere. From the time you held the little hands of a newborn child; the time you shared your favorite oatmeal cookie to a less fortunate; the time you forgive someone who wronged you and eventually forget what they had done wrong; the time you teach a new friend how to swim; the time you rendered patience, as if you had long threads of it, in teaching a new employee the how-to’s of a job; the time you smiled to a stranger which made him feel that he’s welcomed; the time when a Friend laid down his life for you; the time you accepted yourself for all of who you are and who you’re not.
Maybe love lives inside of us. Maybe love is meant for us to give to someone else. Maybe love will find its way to us when we’re out in the porch, watching the sunset and singing with all our hearts in a song by our favorite boyband of the 90s. Maybe Love is just around the corner and will hit us fast with smack in the face when we believe it.
As for now, living life with no strings attached to anybody, is fun. I should enjoy it while I’m still here. I got to do what I wanna do. I got to go where I wanna go. I got to be to people who I wanted to be with. I got to enjoy myself and understand myself. I got to depend on the True Dependable. I got to take hold of the world in my hands and I got to tell it that I don’t deserve to be treated less than my worth. I know that I’ll conquer all the fears and doubts and lies that it throws in front of my face because my faith is so much bigger than my biceps and my hope is higher than my 5 feet 4 inches height.
Being single never meant you’re ugly and no one wants to be with you. Take hold of your ideals of waiting for the perfect best man God designed for you to be with – although it’s hard and sometimes you would be seen by others as crazy – take hold of it like a precious gem stone, very fragile and can break easy. Never settle. Even if they said happy endings only happens in fairytales and movies and that being in love and to believe in love will bring you heartbreak and you won’t be ready, believe in Love anyways.
The perks of being a wallflower? Although my confidence can be measured in teaspoons when thinking if there’s someone who would really wanted to share a relationship journey with me in the future, I would still believe it with every cup I fill my teaspoons with.
In the meantime, I’ll explore and gaze upon the beauty and tragedy of everyday living. I’ll participate in the wonders of every season of this funny place called life. I’ll discover who I am, even I’ll fall, I’ll stand up again. I’ll trust Who made me who I am, the One who held my hand whenever I fell and pushed me to get back on my feet to stand up again. I’ll grieve when I need to. I’ll jump for joy when my heart tells me to. I’ll try to present myself well (even it means using creams and lotions for my skin or using baby colognes or wearing dresses and be quite feminine) every once in a while. Although I’ll still have days complaining about messy hairdos, unplucked eyebrows and yes, zero suitors, I’ll be brave while waiting. I’ll be ecstatic and giddy and arms wide open when waiting is finally done. I’ll watch the stars and wonder if Mr. Someday My Prince Will Come is watching the same stars as I am. I’ll never settle. I’ll just keep on believing. :)